各单位注意 Attention all units,
顶点路742号有暴力事件 attack in progress at 742 Summit drive.
顶点路742号 742 Summit drive.
屋里传出惊叫声 收到请回话 Screaming heard from inside the residence. Respond, code three.
5430号 收到 Five-four-three-zero, show us responding.
我们立即赶到现场 We'll be on scene in under a minute.
还有人听到虐待动物的声音 Additional person reporting sound of animal abuse.
收到 出发 Hit it, man. Let's go.
那到底是什么声音 What the hell is that?
5430号 请求支援 Five-four-three-o, request backup.
在这里 It's here.
别动 举起双手离开那里 Stop. Put your hands up and move away.
我说快点放开她 I said, move away.
我说了 放开她 I said, move away.
-小姐 没事了 -操 你要干吗 - Miss, it's okay. - What the fuck?
我要高潮了 我要高潮了 I'm coming. I'm coming.
你们在干什么 到底怎么了 What are you doing, man? What's going on?
我什么都没干 你们在说什么 I didn't do anything. What are you talking about?
把双手放在背后 Get your hands behind your back.
我失聪了 听见我说什么了吗 I am deaf. Can you hear me?
-哥们 -怎么了 - Hey, partner. - What?
-你过来看一下 -我是个聋子 - You gotta look at this. - I am deaf.
-操 -我们搞错了 - Fuck. - We don't have a crime here.
他没强奸我 我们在做爱 懂吗 操 He wasn't raping me, he was fucking me. You know, fucking.
该死的 Goddamn.
我正要高潮呢 I was about to come.
我希望在地狱里仍有酒喝
很不幸的是 根据真实故事改编
你和聋子妓女做过爱吗 You ever fuck a deaf chick?
绝对没有 Of course not.
-你觉得兴奋吗 -你紧张吗 - Are you getting excited? - Are you nervous?
你只剩下九天了 You only have nine days left.
不 倒不是紧张 只是 No, I'm not nervous, but....
我只是觉得婚礼的筹备不太实际 I tell you what, this wedding planning stuff is unreal.
我昨晚一整夜 I spent last night, all last night...
在书里和杂志里来寻找白花 looking at books and magazines of white flowers.
纯白的花 Just white.
我喜欢盛大的婚礼 I love big weddings.
不知道别人是怎么做的 I don't know how people do it.
我只想摆脱这些 I'm just gonna elope.
同性恋婚姻在本州合法了 Yeah? I was unaware that gay marriages were legal in this state.
怎么了 What?
和失聪的女孩做过爱的请举手 Raise your hand if you've ever fucked a deaf girl.
不是吧 你搞了一个聋子吗 Bullshit. You hooked up with a deaf girl?
当然 你也聋了吗 What, you're deaf now too?
没错 丹 我和聋子上床了 Yeah, Dan, I had sex with a deaf girl.
上次期你不是上了个哑巴吗 Didn't you hook up with a mute girl last semester?
你快赶上海伦·凯勒了 That makes you two-thirds of the way to a Helen Keller.
你绝对想不到她有多猛 Dude, you have no idea. She was crazy.
当条子撞进来的时候 I almost shit myself when
我正要射呢 我以为是她陷害我 those cops busted in. I thought she set me up.
麦克斯先生 Mr. Max.
这起纠纷你怎么看 What is your take on this issue?
抱歉 是什么纠纷 I'm sorry, what issue is that?
你没在听讲吗 麦克斯先生 Are you not paying attention Mr. Max?
没有 非常抱歉 No, I wasn't. I apologize.
我正忙着聊和聋子做爱的事呢 I was busy talking about having sex with a deaf girl.
真有意思 Charming.
只是有些不合时宜 And oddly appropriate.
你是否觉得 Do you or do you not feel
个子小的人应该归入受保护群体 that little people should be a protected class?
你是说侏儒吗 You mean midgets?
不是侏儒 我是说小个子的人 No, Mr. Max, I do not mean midgets. I mean little people.
"侏儒"是一个迂腐且带有歧视性的词 "Midget" is an antiquated and pejorative term.
保护他们不受老鹰或偷猎者的侵害吗 What are we protecting them from, eagles and poachers and stuff?
就像对待濒临灭绝的物种那样 Like an endangered species?
猎人 真的吗 Really? Poachers?
麦克斯先生 如果你没看过案情 Mr. Max, if you didn't do the reading...
侏儒症患者已经 Well, sir, dwarfism is already
受到了美国残疾人协会的保护 a protected class under the ADA.
所以您的问题没有任何意义 So your point is kind of moot.
如果您想问我是否赞成的话 我不确定 Now, if you're asking me if I agree, I'm not sure.
因为矮个子的人包含很多种类 Because there are so many kinds of little people.
有的只是身高略矮 There are the ones who are just proportionally
但他们的卧室里不需要加高椅 shorter and might don't need a booster seat at their cubicle.
也有些侏儒症患者 There are those dwarves with
头部硕大双臂短小 giant heads and flipper arms
他们甚至没法走路 who can barely walk.
但是如果某些雇主 Now, is there a reasonable
专门为了迁就这些人 accommodation an employer can make for those types...
而破例给他们 ...who doesn't automatically qualify him
提供职位的话 for the business necessity exception?
我认为没必要 I don't think so.
那你认为该如何区分呢 Then where do you draw the line?
我觉得就像坐过山车一样 I figure it's like riding a roller coaster.
你必须到这么高才能受到保护 You must be this high to get ADA protection.
非常有趣 麦克斯先生 Very funny, Mr. Max.
如果说我刚完成了一起义务诉讼 What if I told you I just finished a pro bono case...
一家色情夜总会解雇了一名侏儒舞女 ...that involved a gentlemen's club that tried to terminate...
原因是她 ...the employment of a dancer with dwarfism because she...
你代表侏儒舞女上庭了是吗 You represented a midget stripper?
-她是不是超辣 -麦克斯先生 - Was she hot? - Mr. Max.
如果你真的对本案感兴趣 If you're genuinely interested in the case,
答疑时间来找我 我可以告诉你案情 come to office hours and I'll fill you in.
不过现在 In the meantime, let's
我们现在上的是劳动法课 remember that this is an employment law class...
而不是成人交友 ...not adult friend finder.
说得是 我闭嘴 Touche, I will shut up now.
你为今晚的单身派对做好准备了吗 Dude, so you ready for your bachelor party tonight or what?
随时待命 Locked and loaded.
很好 我先去找德鲁 Good. I'm gonna go get Drew.
下课后来学校酒吧找我们 Meet us at the campus bar after class.
蠢货 我还是替你把这里的课听完吧 Oh, I guess I'll just finish up here for you. Jackass.
聚能剑 谁他妈要聚能剑 Energy sword. Who uses a fucking energy sword?
如果你再敢捡聚能剑的话 Pick up that energy sword one more time,
老子就用它爆你菊花 I am going to rape you with it.
德鲁 我是塔克 Yo, Drew, it's Tucker.
你在干什么 What are you doing?
替天行道 Punishing unethical behavior.
好吧 我一会过来找你 All right. Well, I'm coming to get you, man.
一起去喝酒 We're going drinking.
下面是实物教学课 Here comes your object lesson.
爆头加分 Gained the lead.
妈的 Fucker.
"她的"变成了"哪去了"
这些是卫生棉吗 Are those tampons?
妈的 Fuck.
她箱子里的东西任君挑选 "Take whatever you want. Her box is apparently open to all."
老天 Jesus.
看看这里 真是太适合通奸和乱搞了 Wow, look at this place. It's a shrine to cuckoldry and rage.
准备好了吗 You ready, dude?
你说什么呢 What are you talking about?
我们要去酒吧 不是告诉你了吗 We're going to the bar. I told you.
我刚才压根没听你说话 I don't actually listen to what you say.
我听自言自语结束之后 I just wait for you to stop
觉得无聊 就挂了电话 talking about yourself, get bored and hang up.
莎拉给你打电话了吗 Did Sarah call yet?
没有 估计她正忙着给谁口交呢 No. She probably has trouble talking with a dick in her mouth.
靠 Fuck, man.
这动画片太销魂了 This cartoon is disturbingly hot.
你能想象和这两个人3P是什么感觉吗 Can you imagine a threesome with these two?
我能想像她们联合起来骗我 I can imagine them both cheating on me.
这是动画 拜托 They're cartoons, dude.
我被你骗了 得尼尔森 Oh, I'm on to your game. De Nils.
钻石本身是没有价值的 Diamonds are worthless, other than the value attached to them...
只有当你愚蠢的被洗脑之后 ...by the silly tramps you've
你才会觉得钻石就等于爱情 brainwashed into thinking diamond equals love.
你猜怎么着 妓女 Guess what, sluts.
你对完美女性的追求 Your quest for the perfect
转变成了对恐怖主义和种族屠杀的支持 princess cut supports terrorism and genocide.
恭喜你 你的贪婪 Congratulations, your avarice
毁掉了整片大陆 has managed to destroy the entire continent.
莎拉没还你戒指吧 Sarah kept the ring?
你怎么不被火烧死 I hope you die in a fire.
别以为你是世界上第一个带绿帽子的人 You act like you're the first person to ever get cheated on.
每个人都有过 我也一样 It happens to everybody, even me.
真的吗 每个人都有过进屋后发现 Oh, yeah? Does everyone
自己的未婚妻在给说唱男口交的经历吗 walk in on their fiance sucking off a rapper?
亲爱的你嗓子好些了吗 Honey, your throat feeling any?
他们怎么做的 How they do.
你好 我是吉利内尔 Yeah, buddy. Grillionaire in the house.
也许口交对嗓子有好处吧 Hey, who knew blowjobs were good for sore throats, right?
我们的友情最珍贵的地方 The most rewarding part of our friendship...
就是你们总能够在 ...is your ability to
摧毁我的同时找到乐趣 find amusement in the destruction of my life.
没那么糟 哥们 It's not that bad, dude.
你怎么总是纠结于这种问题 You always get stuck in these cycles.
当你感到失落时 When you get depressed like this...
你该问问自己 ...you need to ask yourself,
换做塔克会怎样 "What would Tucker do?"
然后你就释然了 and then you go out and you do that.
我已经知道你会怎么做了 I already know what you would do.
你每周末要和大众情人做爱 And I have no desire to get HIV from one of the cum dumpsters...
我可没兴趣再和她们做爱再染上艾滋 ...into whom you shoot your emotional pain every weekend.
现在艾滋病是可以治愈的 HIV is basically curable now.
魔术师约翰逊的血液里已经 It doesn't even show up in
检测不出艾滋病毒了 Magic Johnson's blood anymore.
你是想说魔术师约翰逊 Are you saying that Magic Johnson
这个携带艾滋病毒的黑人 is black and has aids...
他的情况比我好吗 ...and has it better than me?
我喜欢小孩 真的 Yeah, I love children. You know, I wanna--
等我毕业了我就想 Yeah, when I graduate I
自己生好多小孩 wanna work with them, have a bunch of my own.
-真的吗 -真的 你呢 - Really? - Yeah, what about you?
你开玩笑吗 我也很喜欢小孩 Are you kidding me? I love kids.
我非常想要小孩 I can't wait to have more.
胡说 你没有小孩 Shut up, you don't have kids.
-我有的 -你没有 - Yep. I do. -no, you don't.
他有小孩的 只不过 He does. They're just all
都是不小心中标生下来的 in the compost heap behind planned parenthood.
如果你研究干细胞的话可以找他们 If you do stem-cell research, you can work with them.
好了 我兄弟来了 All right, this is my boy.
你先去忙 我们要聊聊 Run along, baby, man talk.
-好的 -我有你电话 回头再联系 - All right. - I got your number, I'll call you.
或许吧 Perhaps.
谁说浪漫绝迹了 Who says romance is dead?
你怎么能在痛恨女性的时候 How can you hate women...
还反感塔克的所作所为呢 ...yet at the same time be mad at what tucker does?
这说不通的 It makes no sense.
我就像个女权主义者 I am like a feminist.
我同时站在多个矛盾的立场 I can assert multiple contradictory positions.
帮个忙 请你们不要再 Do me a favor. Can you not talk
对我的服务员那样说话了 to my server like that?
那样很没有礼貌 It's disrespectful, okay?
你说什么 Excuse me?
你听清楚我的话了 Yeah, I think you heard me.
我听到了 大英雄 Oh, I heard you, hero.
你讨厌我和你的服务员调情 You don't want me flirting with your server.
我真不知道她是你的女人 I didn't know she belonged to you.
我话中有话的 It's a figure of speech.
那我也话中有话 还是多担心你自己吧 Here's another figure of speech: mind your own fucking business.
我30分钟搞定了你了用两年 I'm sorry I've accomplished more with leslie in 30 minutes...
都没搞定的莱丝莉 真是抱歉 than you have in two years,
可她更喜欢和我聊天 but she looked happy talking to me.
当然也许她对每个顾客都发骚 Or maybe she rubs her crotch against all customers.
-有可能 -你们该走了 - Probably. - It's time for you to leave.
或许你应该给我们再来一杯 Maybe It's time for you to get us another drink.
我不这么认为 朋友 Yeah, I don't think so, man.
你再去拿一杯 Could you just go ahead
这杯记在我账上可以吗 谢谢 and put this on my tab, please? Thank you.
你能帮我再拿一杯 Can you get me another beer for...?
-给6号桌再拿两杯啤酒 -最后一杯 - Actually, another two beers for table six. - Last one.
算了 6号桌三杯 谢谢 All right. Three beers for table six. Thanks.
搞什么飞机 莱丝莉 What the eff, leslie?
好吧 他妈的 就这么着吧 Okay, come on, fuck stick. Let's do this.
她肯定会同意和你上床的 You're gonna fuck this girl, pal.
你觉得自己很壮吗 You think you're tough?
不 No.
只是比你壮点 Just tougher than you.
告诉你朋友我会巴西摔角 Tell your friend I know Brazilian Jiujutsu.
我朋友倒想见识一下 He wants to make out.
他脸怎么抽搐了 Why is he twitching?
我们得改个地方聚会了 Listen, we need to discuss a change of venue for your party.
这里挺好的 This should be good.
才怪 说真的 No, seriously,
我们先前说的脱衣舞厅很差 the strip club we're supposed to go to sucks.
又脏又旧 It's dirty and decrepit...
那里的姑娘一点都不直接 ...and the girls don't have straight marks and
人品也糟糕透了 personalities like the worst parts of the bible.
人品 还得和她们聊天吗 Personalities? Are you saying we have to talk to them?
有人可喜欢和女人聊天了 德鲁 Some of us actually enjoy the company of women, Drew.
没错 反正我讨厌女人 Oh, yeah, I'm the misogynist here. Okay.
如果里士满没有那个禁止乱摸脱衣女郎的 It wouldn't even be an issue if Richmond
垃圾法令的话 就什么事都没有了 hadn't passed the stupid no-touching-strippers ordinance.
等等 你又想摸那些脱衣舞女了吗 Wait a second. You wanna touch them now?
你刚还说她们很恶心 You said they're disgusting.
那你们想干什么 下棋吗 Well, what do you wanna do, Dan? Play checkers?
这他妈的可是单身派对 This is a fucking bachelor party.
你有什么计划 What did you have in mind?
好的 谢谢你们 All right. Thank you very much.
只需三个半小时车程 A short three-and-a-half
有家名叫"贪婪"的脱衣舞厅 hour drive away is a strip club called "AVARICE".
抱歉 请允许我进一步说明 You know what, I'm sorry, let me back that up.
这不是一般的脱衣舞厅 This isn't just some strip club.
这可是超级的肉欲享受 This is the super bowl of carnal pleasures.
我们之前都去过脱衣舞厅 We've been to strip clubs before.
不一样的哥们 我头一次去那的时候 Not like this one, dude. First time I got a lap dance there...
就有姑娘拿起我的手抓到她的乳头上 ...the stripper grabs my hands and puts them on her tits.
第二回去 她转过身 Second dance, she turns around and
和我干蹭了一整晚 dry humps me the entire time.
她非常漂亮 She was gorgeous and she
但在那里她可能都排不上号 wasn't close to being the best one there.
我一直以为成人夜总会 I used to think there was a
和妓院是有明显区别的 line between a gentlemen's club and a brothel.
结果你现在告诉我 Now you're telling me
-他们之间没区别 -等一下 - it's all just gray. - Wait a second.
你说你抓她奶子她都没意见吗 You can full on grab their tits and they don't even care?
她们巴不得你抓呢 They encourage it.
她们童年一定很精彩 Bet they had good childhoods.
最爽的是整夜舞蹈只需十块 The very best part, $10 dances all night long.
我宁可给热铁管口交也不会开250英里 I would rather fellate a hot curling iron than drive 250 miles...
去满足塔克九岁断奶时未完成的梦 because tucker breastfed till he was 9.
虽然听起来很棒 可是我去不了 Look, sounds great, but I can't leave, all right?
明天还有一大堆会等着我去开 I got all kinds of meetings and stuff tomorrow.
什么会啊 What kind of meetings?
一些重要的事情 You know, important stuff,
比如安排婚礼席位之类的 like the seating chart and whatnot.
安排座位吗 A seating chart?
克瑞斯蒂肯定能搞定的 I'm pretty sure kristy can cut that gordian knot.
下周末我就要结婚了好吗 Look, the wedding is next weekend, all right?
我不会因为什么"禁摸"政策 I'm not gonna leave Kristy
而背着克瑞斯蒂乱搞的 hanging because of some no-touch policy.
那是你的事 不是我该干的 That's your issue, Tucker, not mine.
我们明天中午就回来 We'll be back tomorrow afternoon.
如果待在里士满 If we stay in Richmond...
我们也不会像你一样 ...we're not gonna have the experience we need to make up...
穿着打扮好之后参加令人厌恶的 ...for that abomination of an
和克瑞斯蒂家一起的订婚派对 engagement party you had with Kristy's family.
中奖号码是 G 六十一 So the tension builds. G, 61.
谁猜对了吗 Any bingos?
G 六十一 G, 61.
创世纪第六章第一节 Genesis chapter six, verse one.
-不堪回首 -这就对了 - Yeah, that was pretty bad. - This is it.
这是我们最后一次单身派对了 This is our last fucking gasp together as single men.
也许是 I guess.
你们是我的好兄弟 Dude, you're my boys.
我对你们一片赤诚 I'm just gonna be honest with you.
如果你老跟个娘们儿似的 If you keep acting like a bitch...
迟早会有人搞死你的 somebody's gonna fuck that pussy in your face.
说的对 迟早的事 He's right. Someone will do that.
看看德鲁 What about Drew?
别拉我拉下水 Oh, don't drag me into this.
这周末还有马拉松新秀赛 There is a next generation marathon this weekend.
我想着戴安娜·特洛伊 I'm more than happy just
就已经知足了 lusting after Deanna Troi.
他已经两周没有出屋了 He hasn't been out of his nerd hole for two weeks.
德鲁急需这次派对 Drew needs this.
你真的需要这次派对 You do need this.
你怎么不说我需要丙型肝炎 I need this like I need Hepatitis C.
你就是需要 You need this.
他需要这个 我也需要 He needs this. I need it.
我们都需要 We all need it.
因为这是男人的使命 Because it's our destiny as men.
我肯定会后悔的 There is no way I'm not gonna regret this.
但无所谓 我们走 But fuck it. Let's go.
妥了 靠 Done. Fuck it.
-随便吧 -先他妈离开这里 - Whatever. - Let's get the fuck out of here.
当然了 Why not?
兄弟 如果你在莱丝莉 Bro, make sure to tell
面前说我是个混帐 leslie that I'm an asshole...
或者离我远点之类的 ...and she should stay away,
那样只是帮我的忙 it'll only help me.
-回头见 -好的 - Hey, see you. - Hey.
这是给你的 That's for you.
我用手指爽过她 I already fingered her.
记住 你是 Remember, you're the reason
这次旅行的目的而且你确实应该去 we're going on this trip and you fucking earned it.
所以你一定要认真对待 So put your goddamn game face on.
-等我消息 -好吧 - Let's do this. - All right.
他会比被朋友出卖更惨的 He's gonna fail worse than a friends spinoff.
-宝贝 -回来啦 - Hey, babe. - Hey.
你在忙什么 What are you working on?
在做席次表 The seating chart.
是吗 Oh, yeah?
看起来你快完成了 Wow, looks like you're almost done.
还没有 Not really.
-猜猜谁来电话了 -谁 - Hey, guess who just called. - Who?
我妈妈 My mom.
怎么了 老顽固又要检查一下她的信仰吗 What? Another dinosaur fossil test her faith?
她就要过来帮忙了 真是太好了 She's coming into town early to help out. Isn't that nice of her?
-什么时候 -今晚 - How early? - Tonight.
今晚 Tonight?
她这么早来只是 You know she's only coming
为了掌控所有事情 in early so she can take control of everything.
她不会的 你太夸张了 No, she's not. Quit being so dramatic.
如果用她的方法 If she has it her way,
肯定会把宴会搞的一团糟的 the reception's gonna be a potluck in a barn.
她又虔诚又保守 她不是德裔宾州人 She's pious and conservative, Dan, not Pennsylvania Dutch.
也许她会自制黄油来做面包圈 Probably gonna churn our own butter for the dinner rolls.
整个婚礼都是我父母出的钱 My parents are paying for this entire wedding.
她把这称为投资 She's entitled to some input.
别这样 宝贝 Come on, babe.
我只是不想让她把婚礼变得毫无乐趣 I just don't want her to suck all of the fun out of the wedding.
这也是我的婚礼 It's my day too.
好吧 怪物新郎 All right, Groomzilla.
天哪 Oh, whoa.
不要叫我怪物新郎 Don't groomzilla me. Those
那些松鼠猎人看见松鼠踏进草坪时 squirrel hunters wouldn't know a good time if it...
可不知道什么时候应该出手 ...landed on the front lawn of their megachurch.
他怎么去了那么久 What's taking him so long?
他在跟女人说话 什么都可能发生 He's talking to a woman. Anything is possible.
你在干什么 What are you doing?
打包 Packing.
为什么 For what?
我要和塔克和德鲁去塞伦参加单身派对 I'm going to Salem with Tucker and Drew for my bachelor party.
-我以为你要留下来 -计划变了 - I thought you were staying. - Change of plans.
塔克知道那里有个很好的脱衣舞厅 Tucker knows about a great strip club down there.
塔克真是好人 希望他玩的愉快 Oh, good for Tucker. I hope he has a great time.
宝贝 我不能让他一个人去的 Babe, come on. You know I can't let him go off by himself.
-得有人看着他 -那谁来看着你 - Somebody needs go have his back. - Oh, and who's got your back?
德鲁吗 Drew?
塔克会看住我的 Tucker's got my back.
塔克 塔克说他能看住你吗 Tucker? Tucker says he's got your back.
每次都是你去把他保释出来的 Except you're the one who always ends up bailing him out.
真希望你能像照顾塔克那样照顾我 I wish you took care of me as well as you take care of Tucker.
真是胡说八道 Well, that is a load of crap.
我一直很关心你 一切都以你为重 I always look out for you. You're my number-one priority.
真的 真的吗 你什么时候以我为重了 Really? Really? When have I taken precedence?
你什么时候把我看的比塔克还重了 When have you chosen me over Tucker?
给我举一个例子就行 Give me an example. Just one.
我要娶你 不是吗 I'm marrying you, aren't I?
我应该去帮忙吗 Should I go help?
你去帮忙能够 There is a zero-percent chance...
让情况好转的概率 ...that injecting you into
是百分之零 the situation is gonna make it any better.
我要进去了 I'm going in.
给我带瓶红牛 Bring me a red bull.
是的 你就不能妥协一下吗 Yeah, why can't we just compromise?
妥协 Compromise?
你开什么玩笑 我一直在妥协 You kidding? That's all I've been doing.
你爸爸不希望举办 Your father didn't want a bachelor
看脱衣舞狂饮的派对 我同意了 party with strippers and booze, I said fine.
我们会在教堂办一个订婚宴会 We'll have an engagement party at church.
我想在充气城堡开迎宾宴会 I wanted a bouncy castle at the reception.
他说 充气城堡又幼稚又危险 你能不能成熟点 Bouncy castles are childish and dangerous. Grow up.
我说好吧 You know, and I said fine,
因为我不想跟你妈吵架 because I didn't wanna argue with your mom.
不过是个充气城堡 It's just a stupid bouncy castle.
我现在唯一的想法只是设立一个酒水吧台 The only thing I've been able to hold onto is the open bar...
她却要飞来把我最后的希望都带走 ...and now she's gonna fly in here and take that too.
你却一点都不想阻止她 You're not gonna do a thing to stop her.
如果这些对你都这么重要 You know, if all this is so important to you,
那就别抱怨了 你来决定 then quit complaining and take a stand.
你想让我做决定 好啊 Oh, you want me to take a stand? Fine.
我要去塞伦 我不在乎你 I'm going to Salem and I don't care what you...
和那个西德州老巫婆的想法 ...or the wicked witch of west Texas thinks about it.
怎么样了 准备好了吗 What's up, guys? You ready?
听说你要带着丹出城玩 Hey, what's this I hear you're taking Dan out of town?
都是因为里士满的禁摸政策 Richmond passed this stupid no-touch policy.
这里的女人却都想摸我 Since the ladies can't seem to keep their hands off me...
所以去本地的酒吧很不负责 ...it'd be irresponsible to go to clubs here.
-你想的真周到 -你不介意吧 - How thoughtful of you. - You don't mind, do you?
我没做错什么事吧 I'm not stepping on any toes, am I?
我们明天要商量婚礼的事情 We have all the final wedding appointments tomorrow.
不是吧 Oh, no.
丹 Dan.
你什么都没说 你怎么不早点告诉我 You didn't say anything. Why didn't you tell me, man?
这样可不好 这可是你的婚礼 That's not cool. It's your wedding, man.
听着 我们就在城里玩 Listen, we'll just go out in town.
等你们蜜月完了我们再去塞伦 We can do Salem after your honeymoon.
怎么样 克瑞斯蒂 你同意吗 Sound good, huh? Kristy, that way you can come too.
-好吧 我同意 -很好 - All right, that's cool. - All right.
他不需要这个了 He won't need this anymore.
我会在你醒来之前把他送回来的 I'll have him back before you even wake up.
克瑞斯蒂 你看起来和以前一样性感 Kristy, you look hot as always.
真会胡说八道 You are so full of shit.
我们要去塞伦了 Salem, here we come, man.
什么 What?
来吧 Oh, come on.
你不会真以为我们不去了吧 Do you think it's possible to keep me from something I want?
更重要的是 The more important question is...
你准备好疯玩一把了吗 ...are you ready to get shitfaced and grab some titties?
这不是红牛 That's not a red bull.
我不明白 你为什么要骗她 Here's what I don't get. Why did you have to lie to her?
我从来不会这样的 It's not like I wasn't gonna go anyway.
拜托 我进去的时候 Oh, please. When I walked in,
看得出来你已经屈服了 you had so much surrender in your eyes...
你家就像维希法国一样 ...I thought your apartment was Vichy France.
我们得停下来吃点东西 We need to stop for food.
我的血糖开始降低了 My blood sugar is getting low.
我只是不喜欢对克瑞斯蒂说谎 I just hate lying to Kristy, man.
你没骗她 我骗的 You didn't lie to her, I did.
胡说 That is bullshit.
不管怎么样 这事和我有关 But somehow I'm going with it.
如果我还吃不到薄饼三明治 我就要叫警察 If I don't get a pancakewich, I'm calling the authorities...
以绑架罪逮捕你们了 ...and have you arrested for kidnapping and conspiracy.
真不知道你为什么喜欢薄饼三明治 I don't know how you eat pancakewiches.
真是恶心死了 They look disgusting.
从你这种满不在乎的态度来看 I can only assume from your cavalier attitude...
我猜你从来没有吃过 ...that you have yet to partake
美味的薄饼三明治 in the wonderment that is the pancakewich.
我告诉你 Let me enlighten you.
真神用魔咒在天堂里 What happens is the one true god grows pancakewiches on trees...
种下了薄饼三明治之树 ...in the elysian fields using a mystical incantation.
然后用魔法将它们送给人间那些 He then proceeds to magic them down to your local eatery...
不顾大众反对的 ...where whatever societal
本地餐馆 reject griddleworld has rescued off the dole...
只需要把它们包进 ...gently wraps them in
玻璃纸里 就可以出售给 cellophane and passes them along to you...
我们这些幸运的顾客了 ...the fortunate consumer.
你吃下去一口 就会发现 You proceed to ingest this finery...
它的美味会战胜你的理智 ...in the vain hope that your overmatched taste buds...
让你有一种 ...can somehow comprehend
及其快乐的感觉 the delectable intricacies that face them.
那是鸡蛋吗 什么 是的 当然是鸡蛋 Is that egg? Why, yes. Yes, it is.
还有熏肉 And bacon too.
等等 他们有 But wait, did they--?
是的 当然 They didn't. Yes, they did, they did indeed.
他们加了乳酪 They added cheese.
然后 我的朋友 And then, then, my friend...
他们把他卷成了一个华丽的薄饼卷 ...they wrapped it in a sumptuous pancake bun.
你的味蕾试图 As your taste buds try to
处理这些味道 process that amazing piece of information...
但却被它们打败了 ...it hits them.
糖浆块 The syrup nugget.
就他妈的是糖浆块 The motherfucking syrup nugget.
它的味道 It announces itself with a burst of confectionery grandiosity...
绝对是你们从未尝过的 ...the likes of which your palate has never seen.
所以你很喜欢吃 So you like them?
请允许我重申一下 Allow me to rephrase.
如果你再说一句薄饼三明治的坏话 If you ever speak ill of the pancakewich again...
我就跑到你的家里 一边用包装纸当安全套 ...I will personally come to your home and force-feed you one...
搞你 一边强迫你吃一个 ...while I fuck you in the ass with the wrapper as a condom...
然后狠狠地打你一顿 ...and then donkey punch
直到你肚子里的糖块爆炸 you when the infused syrup nugget explodes.
下个出口有个煎饼店 We got a motherfucking griddleworld coming up at the next exit.
感谢老天 Thank god.
塞伦 174英里
谁放屁了 Oh, come on. Who farted?
-我什么也没闻到 -天哪 - I don't smell anything. - Oh, my god.
你怎么回事 Oh, what is wrong with you?
闻起来就像你的屁股被垃圾车暴了一样 It smells like you got buttfucked by a garbage truck.
是你要去煎饼店吃饭的 Hey, griddleworld was your idea, man.
不准说煎饼三明治的坏话 Do not disparage the pancakewich.
能把窗户打开吗 塔克 Could you just unlock the fucking window, Tucker?
-后面有味吗 -操你妈 - You get a bit back there? - Fuck yourself.
我的法律书呢 Where are my law books?
这应该算是重罪 This must count as a felony battery.
-哥们 -好吧 靠 - Dude. - All right, fuck.
你们还真是娇生惯养 You guys have such weak constitutions.
我打赌那些女孩绝对不会像你们这样抱怨 I bet those girls wouldn't complain as much as you two.
-我能闻到 -她们不会是因为她们是妓女 - I can taste that. - They wouldn't. They're hookers.
为了钱 They subject themselves to anything...
她们什么都不在乎 ...for the right price.
不是每个街上的女人都是妓女 Not every woman at street is a whore.
塔克 我们这是要去哪 Tucker, where are we going?
脱衣舞俱乐部呢 Where's the strip club?
现在七点都没到 俱乐部十点才开门 It's not even 7:00 yet. The club doesn't open till 10.
-我们去喝点酒吧 算是前戏 -太好了 - Let's get some drinks first. Pre-game. - Oh, wonderful.
现在我可以讨厌他们每个人 Now I can hate all these people from up close...
而不用 ...instead of baselessly
靠他们的屁来判断了 judging them from this metal fart coffin.
上次我来的时候 Last time I was here there
这里的小妞数不胜数 was more pussy than you could shake a stick at.
超性感的小妞 到处都是 Unbelievable hot chicks, wall to wall.
好吧 哥们 All right, dude.
你看到了吗 Can't you see...
这地方真整洁 太令人害羞了 Oh, yeah, this place is crawling with trim. Shame I'm taken.
给我看看你们的身份证 Let's see some IDs, guys.
就像雷恩·布莱恩特和 Looks like Lane Bryant and
珍妮·克莱格在这打了一场似的 Jenny Craig had a knife fight in here.
十美元一晚 Ten dollar cover tonight.
你知道什么叫软下去吗 You know what a soft-off is?
不知道 那是什么 No, what is it?
是勃起的反义词 It's the opposite of a hard-on.
这就是我的感觉 And that's what I have.
要是你能把这些恐怖的记忆 I will pay you $10...
从我脑子里抹去 我就付给你十美元 ...only if you can erase this visual atrocity from my memory.
那就去威士忌吧 今晚大家都在那里 Go down to whiskey bar. That's where everybody's at tonight.
大家 你是指所有男人吗 And by everybody, you mean all the dudes?
我希望是 但不是 我要呆在这 I wish, man, I wish. No, I gotta stay here.
-我们去试试 -来吧 - Let's give it a shot. - Come on.
肯定不会比这更糟糕的 It can't be worse than this.
好了 这就是我说的数不胜数了 All right, now this is what I call a target-rich environment.
我同意 I agree.
我想干死这里的每一个婊子 I wanna shoot every one of these bitches.
-不是她 -真漂亮 - Not her. - Nice.
-她也是 -好了 兄弟们 - Her too. - All right, fellas.
还有2个小时脱衣舞厅就要开门了 A little over two hours until avarice opens up.
看看能不能找几个女孩跟我们一起去 Let's see if we can't get girls to go with us.
等等 等等 Wait, wait, wait.
你想找妓女陪我们去看妓女 You wanna pick up sluts to bring them to go see whores?
如果顺利的话 If things go well.
看啊 一堆妓女 谁知道会这样呢 Oh, look, a menagerie of sluts. Who would have guessed?
那是些什么饮料 What are those drinks?
不是那个有吸管的 另外那些 Not the ones with the penises in it. The other ones.
这叫燃情辣椒 It's called a flaming Dr. Pepper.
看起来不错 给我们来三杯 Looks amazing. Throw three more on there.
我们可不会替你们付钱 We're not paying for those.
别担心 甜心 我们自己付钱 Don't worry about it, sweetheart. It's okay, we got this round.
我不叫甜心 我叫玛丽 My name isn't sweetheart, it's Mary.
好 我知道了 谢谢 Okay, good to know. Thank you.
德鲁 不是所有的女孩都是妓女 Drew, not all girls are sluts.
-只是大多数 -希望不要洒出来 - Just most of them. - I hope this sets off the sprinklers.
-真好看 -靠 - Oh, nice. - Shit.
我见过更棒的 I've seen better.
真不怎么好喝 That tastes like ass.
天哪 喝起来像辣椒 Holy shit. It tastes like a Dr. Pepper.
就像它的名字一样 Hence the name.
谢谢 再来八杯 Thank you. Again. Eight more of them.
那得再付120美元 That will be another $120.
靠 那就再来八杯伏特加 Shit. Just get us eight vodka shots.
你们不值那么多 You guys aren't worth that much.
我们是无价的 Oh, our company is priceless.
如果没有定价 就是毫无价值的 If it lacks a price, it is probably worthless.
-要什么伏特加 -最烈的 - Any particular kind of vodka? - Well, please.
谢谢你能先问我 这边 Thank you for asking. Down there.
如果这真的是个单身派对 那谁是妓女 If this is a real bachelorette party, who's the designated slut?
我们不是妓女 你都不认识我们 Don't call us sluts. You didn't even know us.
我们没人是妓女 No one here is a slut.
别这样 Oh, come on, come on.
单身派对上的妓女 The slut at a bachelor party
就跟牌桌上的笨蛋一样 is kind of like the sucker at a poker table.
如果你选不出来 那可能就是你自己 If you can't pick them out, it's probably you.
女士们 一人一杯 这是你的 Here we are ladies, one for each of you. Palm greaser for you.
-这是你的 -一点也不好玩 - Panty dropper for you. - Not cool, you know.
拿女孩开玩笑来搭讪的方法很幼稚 Making fun of girls to impress your friends is so immature.
你真是个笨蛋 You're such a jerk.
你朋友的笑声比我朋友还多 Your friends are laughing more than mine.
-我没笑 -你们笑什么 - I'm not laughing at all. - Why are you guys laughing?
别笑了 一点也不好玩 Don't laugh. It's not funny.
敬我的兄弟 丹 I think a toast is in order for my buddy Dan,
他快要结婚了 who's also getting married.
敬这个未婚女士 还有她漂亮的朋友们 And the bachelorette and all her beautiful friends...
还有这个暴躁的处女 ...even the bitchy prude.
敬所有认识的人 Here is to the people we've met.
还有我们干过的人 And to the people we've fucked.
还有那些不幸的人 And to those of us who have had no such luck.
敬那些手里拿着啤酒和伏特加的人 Here's to beer in the glass and vodka in the cup.
也敬她 希望她不要一夜大肚 Here's to poking her in the ass so she won't get knocked up.
敬你们所有人 还有我自己 Here's to all of you, and here's to me...
我们永远是朋友 ...together as friends we will always be.
要是你们不同意 But if we should ever disagree...
我就把你们都干了 ...then fuck all of you, here's to me.
-干杯 -好了 - Cheers. - All right.
好了 说真的 谁比较调皮 All right, but for real, which one's the naughty one?
世界循环往复 See now, the world goes round in circles
永无止息 It never would stop
好了 你的别名是 All right. What's your porn name?
斯科特·皮特森 Scott Peterson.
不 不是你的真名 No, no, not your real name.
你宠物的名字 或者你家街道的名字 Your porn name is your pet's name and the street you grew up on.
家里人不许我养宠物 I wasn't allowed to have pets.
好吧 换个问法 你中间的名字是什么 Okay, we'll do another way, then. What's your middle name?
我没有 除非小时候 I don't have one, unless I
他们叫我闭嘴时还加了什么词 missed it between "Shut" and "Up" as a kid.
别这样 合作点 这很好玩的 Oh, come on. Play along, it's fun.
你要是再碰我一下 If you touch me again.
我就把你杀了 丢到猪圈里去 I will gut you and grind you into pig slop.
怎么了 为什么 What--? Why?
很少有人像你这样拒人于千里之外 You're the only guy I know that actually cock blocks himself.
别这样 今晚是属于你和丹的 Come on, man. This night is about you and Dan.
记得我们说过的吗 Remember what we talked about in your apartment?
当你扫兴的时候 Instead of being a fucking killjoy...
你应该问问自己 塔克会怎么做 ...you stop and ask yourself, "What would Tucker do??
然后照着那样做 and then you go do that.
不幸的是 Well, unfortunately, we can't
我们不能放弃自尊心去追女孩 both go after the girl with the lowest self-esteem.
-现在可以吗 -可以试试 - Now, can we? - We can try.
说曹操 曹操到 Speak of the devil.
怎么 你终于准备好 What's up? You finally
让我搞了吗 还是要再喝几杯 ready to hook up or we need more shots first?
她是准新娘 She's the bride.
你要玩刺激的 情圣 You talk a big game, Mr. Man.
不过在我看来 你不像个能喝酒的 But you don't look like much of a drinker to me.
是吗 你在和我说话吗 Oh, really? Are you talking to me?
在喝酒上你都不配给我系鞋带 You couldn't tie my drinking shoes.
那我们就试下 Let's do shots, then.
她太可爱了 Oh! Isn't she precious?
我们玩团战 肯定很有趣 We'll do teams. It'll be fun.
-肯定很有趣 -好 没问题 - "It will be fun." - Okay, fine.
-玩团战 -来吧 - "We will do teams." - Let's do it.
准新郎 最帅的我 傻瓜 Bachelor and hottest guy, me, duh...
对 准新娘和你的美女朋友们 ...versus bachelorette and your hottest friends.
-我觉得你的朋友更帅 -是吗 - I think your friend's hotter. - Yeah?
你先和他聊聊再告诉我你的想法 Talk to him for five minutes and tell me what you think.
好了 开战 Let's get down to business.
酒杯摆好 不能耍赖 Line them up. And no girly shit either.
耍赖就没意思了 If it has sugar in it, it's not a real shot.
那边那个讨厌的玛丽怎么回事 So what's up with Mary, queen of twats over there?
你知道的 You know how it is.
当个这么讨人厌的人真无趣 It'd suck to be such an angry bitch.
她心情好的时候还是不错的 She can be lots of fun when she wants to be.
那是什么时候 When is that? When she's
骗小孩的时候吗 luring small children into her gingerbread house?
不 她没那么坏 No. She isn't that bad.
女人在评价朋友方面是最苛刻的 Women are the worst
你们真的是她朋友吗 at judging their friends.
-她真挺好的 -流浪汗都不会上她 - She's really sweet. - Bums wouldn't fuck her.
我不了解流浪汗 I don't know about bums.
可能女人愿意上她 Maybe titty fuck her.
申明一下 我不赞同我的朋友塔克 For the record, I just wanted to disagree with my friend Tucker--
宝贝 Oh, baby.
吉利内尔 Grillionaire.
我有钻石 皮鞭 女人 金钱 I got ice, whips, hoes, money. Got ice, whips, hoes, money
你喜欢这家伙 You like this guy?
我爱死他了 他真性感 I love him. He is hot.
感觉如何 宝贝 吉利内尔上场 How they do, baby Grillionaire in the house
兄弟 Yeah, buddy
离我远点 不然我 Get away from me, or I'm
在你身上再凿个洞出来 gonna carve another fuck hole in your torso.
抱歉 老兄 要叫他们关掉吗 Sorry, man. Want me to ask them to turn it off?
要 Yes.
但你得承认 老兄 他很有吸引力 You gotta admit, though, man, it is kind of catchy.
这招泡妞真棒 It's a good fucking hook.
钻石 钻石 皮鞭 皮鞭 女人 女人 金钱 Ice, ice, whips, whips, hoes, hoes, money
明白吗 钻石 钻石 皮鞭 Got it? Ice, ice, whips--
好了 不玩了 行了 All right, all right, all right. We'll stop. Okay, just--
女人们在哪儿 Where the hoes at?
敬你们这些贱人 妓女还有流氓 This is for all you bitches, hoes, and pricks.
如果没老二 We wouldn't talk to any
我们也不会和你们说话 塔克·麦克斯 of you if we didn't have dicks. Tucker Max.
塔克·麦克斯是谁 Who's Tucker Max?
一个强奸犯 A rapist.
我不行了 喝不下了 I can't. I'm done.
什么 What?
才六杯 Six shots.
就结束了吗 六杯而已 That's it? Six shots?
你们或许还能公投或驾车 Oh, you may be able to vote and drive,
但永远无法和我们一样 but you will never be equal.
真难堪 It's embarrassing.
你们大伙为何和他说话 这么个混蛋 Why are you talking to him? He is such a pig.
-他只是瞎闹 -别这样 他很可爱的 - He's just messing around. - Come on, he's cute.
可爱得就像 晚期爱滋病 Cute, like full-blown AIDS.
不 他说的每句话都恶心 侮辱妇女 No, he's not. Everything he says is disgusting and misogynist.
不 我没有 Uh.... no, it isn't.
如果我说女人就该被拴在炉子旁 If I said women belong chained to a stove...
锁链长到能到卧室就行 ...with just enough slack to reach the bedroom...
因为这就是你们这些"偷肋骨"的女性 ...because those are the only tow places
应该待的地方 that your rib-stealing gender's worth a damn...
-这才是歧视女性 -才真是歧视 - That would be misogynist. - Would be true.
你想说什么 Excuse me?
我说的一个是笑话一个是真正的性别歧视 What I said was sexist and a fucking joke.
你这种娇惯的淑女是不会知道区别的 Not that your pageant-girl ass would know the difference.
过头了 That's much.
-什么 -好吧 你知道吗 - What? - Fine. You know what?
你这个歧视女性的家伙 You're sexist and misogynist.
这样对你最好 Good for you.
塔克 你这个歧视女性的原始人 Tucker, you misogynist neanderthal.
你为何如此仇恨女人 Why dost thou hate women so?
没有 我不恨女人 我爱女人 That's the thing. I don't hate women. I love women.
不然我为何要容忍她们那些龌龊缺点 Why else would I put up with all their shit?
现在你有点过分了 Now you're being kind of mean.
恩 知道吗 Yeah, you know what?
你是个蠢蛋 You're an ass.
我只是做人方法和她不同 I just don't like her as a person...
因为她是个消极无趣的贱人 ...because she's a negative fucking bitch.
而且这和她是否是女人无关 That has nothing to do with whether or not she has tits.
塔克 Tucker.
这样说可不好 That's not good game.
-你真的很过分 -没错 - You're really mean. - Yeah.
是的 来 我们走 Yeah. You know what? Come on, let's go. Let's go.
本来那么开心的 It was going so good.
我们真的在交朋友 等等 等一下 We actually made friends. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on.
混蛋 Asshole.
等等 各位 对不起 Wait, wait, wait. Guys, come on, sorry.
听着 我只是想道歉 Listen, I just want to apologize.
你们一定要原谅我朋友 好吗 You'll have to forgive my friend, all right?
-他对妈妈有阴影 -你指什么 - He's got mommy issues. - What do you mean?
妈咪就是派对的人生 Mommy was the life of the party.
妈咪 宝宝是从哪儿来的 Mommy, where do babies come from?
去问你那个饭桶爸爸和他时髦的新夫人去 Go ask your deadbeat father and his fancy new wife.
说实话 他真是个棒小伙 He really is a good guy, honest.
只是有时有点唐突 He's just sometimes a little quick on the trigger.
来吧 和我们一起去脱衣舞厅吧 Why don't you just come to the strip club?
-喝的全由这混蛋包了 -来 一起吧 - Drinks will be on the asshole. - Yeah, come on.
听着像个阴谋 That sounds like a plan.
你们想去哪家 What strip club you guys going to?
-贪婪 -我从没听过 - It's called Avarice. - I've never heard of it.
那是因为他们不让装正经的贱人进去 That's because they don't let prudish bitches in.
塔克 Tucker.
她不是贱人 She's not a bitch.
她是个无脑小妞 She's a snatch napkin.
很高兴见到你们 It was nice to meet you.
上帝 Oh, my god.
打信息台 查出那家夜总会在哪儿 Call information. Find out where this club is.
什么 我以为你知道在哪 What? I thought you knew where it was.
不知道 老兄 我已经醉了 No, dude. I was fucking half drunk.
-我不知道具体在哪儿 -你说你知道 - I don't know precisely where it is. - You said you knew.
-我说过吗 -说过 - I said that? - Yeah.
我不可能对我说的每一件事 I can't be held accountable
都负责吧 快打电话吧 for the things that come out of my mouth. Just make the call.
我只想以一个酒醉的无业游民 I'd just like to remind everyone
的身份给大家提个建议 that we're going down a strange, dark alley...
我们正走在陌生漆黑的巷子里 ...on the advice of a drunken hobo.
然后呢 So?
没错 我也没看出有什么问题 Yeah, I don't really see a problem, either.
好了 肯定是这 All right. This has gotta be it.
是这里 绝对是这了 This spot. It must be.
你好吗 老兄 今晚愉快吗 What's up, man? How's it going? You having a good night?
酷 Cool.
来吧 All right
让我疯狂吧 你有可爱的面孔 Break me down you got a lovely face
我们会去你的住所 We're going to your place
但现在你得先让我惊喜 But now you got to freak me out
放声尖叫 狂野做爱 Scream so loud get fucking laid
你想留住我 You want me to stay
但我得逃走 But I got to make my way
你是狂野的贱人 Hey you're a crazy bitch
但你如此香艳 But you fuck so good I'm on top of it
我梦到整晚与你 When I dream I'm doing you all night
一起缠绵 Scratches all down my back
那是张百元大钞 Oh, that's a hundred.
老兄 Oh, man.
我跟你走 I'm going with you.
你好吗 How are you doing?
-你是个疯子 -坐吧 - You're a maniac. - Let's sit.
-太棒了 -你一来我感觉好多了 - Great. - I'm better now that you came....
除非你的胸能喷出伏特加和汤尼水 Unless your breasts expel Vodka and tonic,
否则的话你可以走了 you can feel free to leave.
别担心 宝贝 喝的东西随时到 Oh, don't worry, baby, the drinks will be here any minute.
不过与此同时 我有义务告诉你 Well, in the meantime, I am obligated to inform you...
依据梅根法案 我曾被判性侵犯 ...pursuant to Megan's law, that I am a convicted sex offender.
那么 你有多大 So how old are you?
好吧 强奸不好玩 但谋杀会很有趣的 Okay, fine. Rape's not funny, but murder can be.
谋杀也没意思 Murder's not funny either.
对你可能是 但如果谋杀者曾是个小丑 Maybe not to you, but if the murderer was a clown...
那对我来说就很有趣 ...that would be funny to me.
怎么会 How is that funny?
因为他外表开心 内心悲伤 Because he is happy on the outside but sad on the inside.
什么 What?
悲伤的小丑想杀人 Sad clown wanna kill somebody?
-眼泪 -离我远点 别碰我 - Tear. - Get away from me. Don't touch me.
等等 拿着 Wait. Here. Here.
-他有什么毛病 -他刚刚分手 - What's wrong with him? - Oh, he had a bad breakup.
能找个朋友陪他吗 You have a friend for him?
我朋友绝对受不了这种态度的 My friends would never put up with that.
很好 我要中场休息了 Okay, I'm gonna call a quick timeout here...
好让我们的二流搞笑高手 ...while the lesser comedians of the group...
有机会对他们的脱衣女讲粗俗的笑话 ...have a chance to make their own stripper abuse joke.
-你有什么问 -嘘 - What is your prob--? - Chh!
我宁愿自残 I would rather mainline Drano...
也不愿听你这个妓女来批评我 ...than listen to another second of your whore prattle.
少说话 多行动 从现在开始 Less talkie. More booby. Now.
我才不想在这待着 You know what, I don't need this.
丑妞就这样对好心人说话 Said the fat girl to the cupcake.
-抱歉 -拜 妓女 - I'm sorry. - Bye, whore.
甜心 我会想你的 Candy, I'll miss you.
斑比 我以为我们之间很来电的 Bambi, I thought we had something.
三个没戏了 只剩九十七个了 Three down, only 97 more to go.
干得好 蠢货 Good job, dumb-ass.
现在登上二号舞台的美女 And now coming to the auxiliary stage...
有俄罗斯的手掌和罗马的手指 ...she has russian hands and roman fingers.
请为娜塔莎鼓掌 Give it up for Natasha.
加速的心跳 --for the heart
隐约的头疼 Dull headache
只是疯狂追求的开始 This is just the start of a mad pursuit
查询电话号码 Chasing down the telephone wire
在大街上追寻 你不能失去她 Racing down the road You can't lose her
你想逃离小镇 她会找到你 You'll try to skip town she'll find you
你们在喝水吗 这里不欢迎摩门教徒的 Are you guys drinking water? We don't allow Mormons in here.
当然 不过我们也喝暴徒激情 Yes, but we're also drinking Thug Passion.
就是你妈放在你奶瓶里的那种 It's what your mom put in your
然后才能照顾烦人的小孩 bottle so she could watch young and the restless.
我妈用的是波旁威士忌 My mom used Bourbon.
放在科涅克白兰地里的糖让我精力旺盛 All the sugar in Cognac made me hyper.
另外 根据你眼睛的间距判断 And judging by the distance between your eyes...
当你还在子宫里时 ...I'd say your mom drank
你妈就把它喝完了 it all while you were still in the womb.
她刚说了个胎儿与酒的笑话 Did she just make a fetal alcohol joke?
-等等 -等等 - Whoa! - Wait, wait, wait.
等你换完衣服后 When you're done changing or whatever...
请你回来继续和他乱扯 ...come back over here and keep talking shit to him.
-拜托 -谢谢 - Please. - Thank you.
-上帝 -你要哪个 - Oh, god. - Which one do you want?
-我要 -我要粉色衣服的 - I'll take the - I'll take the one in the pink.
现在登上1号舞台的美女 And now coming to the main stage,
是舞台上的魔术师 she's magic on the bowl.
她是舞后 She's whoredini.
如果我们去开个香槟房 想做什么都行 If we get a champagne room, we can do anything we want.
如果去酒店开房 也一样 If we get a hotel room, we can do anything too.
是的 不过我就没钱赚了 True. But then I don't get paid.
我会给你20美元 I'll give you $20.
好像四百美元才对 宝贝 It's more like 400, baby.
-四百美元 -是的 - Four hundred? - Oh, yeah.
不过你很可爱又有趣 我只收三百五 But you're cute and funny. I'll do it for 350.
-二十五 -三百二十五 - Twenty-five. - Three hundred and twenty-five?
不 最多二十五块 No, just 25.
我得付夜总会一小时一百美元的开房费 I have to pay the club $100 just to get the room for an hour.
没事 我的激情不会持续超过一小时的 That's okay. My attention span won't last for an hour.
-混蛋 -我给你三十 - Asshole. - I'll give you $30.
-这点钱买酒都不够 -该死 - That won't even buy our drinks. - Oh, shit.
这就是你的下场 That's what you get.
等等 如果我真这么可爱有趣 Hold on. If I'm so cute and funny,
为何还要收费 why are you even charging me?
恋爱可不是这样谈的 That's no way to start a relationship.
谁说我要恋爱 我已经有男朋友了 Who said I wanted a relationship? I already have a boyfriend.
宝贝 我才不要那种关系 I don't want that kind of relationship.
我只是想上你 I just wanna fuck you.
-只是上我 -对 我会是很棒的炮友 - Just fuck me? - Yeah, I'd make a great fuck buddy.
那好 潜在的炮友 你的老二有多大 All right, potential fuck buddy, how big is your dick?
你嘴有多大 How big is your mouth?
她眼睛如奶子一般大 She's got eyes as big as her titties.
她真是个可爱的小尤物 班比 And, boy, is she a cute little piece of tail. It's Bambi.
如果你非要打听的话 If you must know...
我父母曾对我大吼 把我丢进房里不理我 ...my parents yelled at me, sent me to my room and ignored me.
如果我是你妈 也会 If I was your mom, I would
把你锁起来不理你 have locked you up and ignored you too.
如果你是我妈 养大我的 If you were my mom, I would've been
就是一个无能的妓女 而不是一个泼妇 raised by a talentless hooker rather than a shrew.
可以两者兼得的 There's a win-win.
你这个被禁闭的面饼脸真是可恶得要命 You're awfully bitter for a pasty-faced shut-in.
你一直都这么刻薄吗 或是因为 Always been this mean, or did
某个女孩把你抛弃 找了个更好的 some girl just trade you in for a better model?
天哪 Holy shit.
她就像个火辣的占卜师 She's like a hot Miss Cleo.
对 他女朋友确实把他甩了 Yeah, his girlfriend did just dump him.
找了吉利内尔 For Grillionaire, of all people.
吉利内尔 Grillionaire?
就那个唱"感觉如何 宝贝"的那个 Like, "How they do, baby"?
镶钻牙的吉利内尔 Grillionaire with the diamonds on his teeth?
或许她是个没品味 无知的妓女 She may be a vacuous slut with no taste,
但至少她不是脱衣舞女 but at least she's not a stripper.
你自以为自己很聪明 You think you're so clever.
但我认识无数个像你这样没安全感的混蛋 I know a hundred insecure assholes just like you.
我相信你妈所有的男朋友都是好男人 I'm sure all your mother's boyfriends were great guys.
如果我每听一个破碎家庭 If I had a dollar for
的笑话就能得一美元 every broken-home joke...
那我的钱就够给你 ...I'd have enough to buy Comic-Con tickets for you...
和你那些玩兽人法师的 ...and all the other Orc-Mage
窝囊废朋友们买动漫年会门票了 failures on your buddy list.
不管怎样 我得走了 Whatever, I've gotta go.
等等 别走 Whoa! No, no, no.
-求你留下来 -搞定他 - Stay, please. - Finish him.
不行 我真的必须尽快回家 No, I've gotta get home soon.
不 你得继续跟他乱扯 No, you need to keep talking shit to him.
上帝 当一个女人发现了 Yeah, he can't stand it when
他优秀的一面时 他就受不了了 留下来吧 a woman that gets the best of him. Stay, please.
不行 因为他是个帅哥 That's unfortunate because he's a good-looking guy.
我已经得到过类似的教训了 I've learned my lesson with guys like your friend.
不 他不同 No, he's different.
我向你保证他是洋葱里的一朵美丽的花 I promise you, there is a flower inside that onion.
-你只需剥掉外表 -剥掉 - You just have to peel back the layers... - Peel away.
还有忍住眼泪 ...and fight back the tears.
我会付你工资的 I'll pay your rate.
-只要留下来和他乱扯就行 -拜托 - Just talk shit to him. - Please.
他需要这些 He needs this.
跳吧 猴子 Dance, monkey.
为你的钱跳吧 Dance for your dollar.
没钱你就是不跳 Could've done without that.
-我帮你拣 -这钱你可以留着 - I'll pick it up for you. - You can keep that.
我所要做的只是侮辱他 不用跳吗 All I have to do is insult him? No dancing?
-就是这样 -很好 - That's it. - Great.
-居然成功了 -靠 - I can't believe that worked. - Fuck.
你可能斗不过他 He might have you there.
我是劳拉 I'm Lara.
你叫什么 What's your name?
德鲁 不过我们不如省掉过场 It's Drew, but why don't we skip the pleasantries...
直接去巷子里你帮我手淫 ...and go to the part where you call me captain Kirk...
并称我为科克舰长 ...and give me a hand job in the alley?
你很爱看星际旅行吗 You're a Star Trek nerd?
真让我吃惊 Color me shocked.
"长寿与繁荣" 笨蛋 Live long and prosper, dork.
好吧 我是个笨蛋吗 Okay, I'm a dork?
你才是那个跟游戏人物名字一样的人 You are the one with a video-game character's name.
真聪明 那游戏在我出生之后才发售的 Genius. That game came out after I was born.
我的名字来自于奥古斯丁·劳拉 I was named after Agustin Lara.
等等 那是谁 Wait, wait, wait, who is that?
一个有名的墨西哥知识分子 A famous Mexican intellectual.
真有趣 That's a funny joke.
没有你发现你女友 No funnier than you
重击吉利内尔那么有趣 Catching your girlfriend blowing Grillionaire.
重击 重击 重击 左勾拳 Body blow, body blow, body blow, left hook.
等等 等等 Wait a second, wait a second.
你喜欢迈克泰森拳击吗 You like "Mike Tyson punch out"?
胡扯 胡扯 Bullshit, bullshit.
你最喜欢和谁对打 快 Who was your favorite guy to fight? Quick.
苏大·波品斯基 因为他在图片里 Soda Popinski, because he was
总是在喝40酒 drinking a 40 in his picture.
老兄 这是你梦想中的女孩 Oh! Dude, this is your dream girl.
如果你不有所行动的话 If you don't make this happen...
你就是给整个"光环"星球丢脸 ...You will be a disgrace to the entire "Halo" Community.
-你敢 -我会在"光环"里毁了你的 - How dare you? - Oh, I will destroy you in "Halo."
你肯定会 Oh, yeah, sure you will.
而且你是个外国舞女 不是脱衣舞女 And you're an exotic dancer, not a stripper.
你无法操控一个 You can't handle a girl...
比你玩游戏还厉害的女孩吗 ...who's better than you at some stupid game?
好吧 你能在"光环"里打败我 Okay, you can beat me at "Halo"?
当我们在这梦幻岛上时 Hey, while we're in this fantasy land...
为什么我们不开着你的飞车去银行 ...why don't we drive your flying car over to the bank...
给你申请一个低利息的购房贷款 ...and get you approved for a low interest home loan.
我赌一百美元 她能在"光环"里打败你 I bet $100 she'll beat you in "Halo."
我才不会对一个游戏下注 I'm not betting on a video game.
赌博是非法的 Gambling is illegal.
什么 What?
我闻到了娘们的味道 I smell pussy.
那就在工作前冲洗一下 Then douche before work.
两百美元 Two hundred dollars.
我不 我不能离开 I'm not-- I can't leave--
我们是因为丹的单身汉聚会才这里的 Dan's bachelor party is the whole reason we're here.
不 别让我成为你留下的理由 No, don't let me keep you here.
没有什么比看见她在游戏里 Nothing would make me happier
把你打得屁滚尿流更让我开心了 Than to see her whip your ass at a video game.
除非我们有个能玩的地方 I would consider it if we had
而且还要有我特制的控制器 我才会考虑 a place to play and I had my special controller.
你很走运 因为我刚下班 Well, you're in luck, because my shift just ended.
我们可以去我家玩 我什么都有 We can play at my house, I have everything.
除了你那个胆小鬼控制器 Except your candy-ass little controller.
-那就赌定了 -不 - Then it's a bet. - No.
我才不会去可耻的脱衣舞女的家里 I'm not going to some vile stripper den.
她孩子的爸爸肯定在那等着我 You know her baby daddy is just waiting there for me...
把我打倒就可以偷我的器官了 ...so he can roll me and steal my organs.
你们怎么会和这个人做朋友 How are you friends with this guy?
我不知道谁能被这种人迷住 I have no idea who used to be attracted to him.
我也不知道 I don't know.
可能是与 Probably has something to do with
我刻薄的幽默感有关 my caustic sense of humor...
还和你的每个位继父无法向你展示 ...And the inability of your
他们的关爱有点关系 various stepfathers to show you any affection.
可能吧 Probably.
伙计们 我收到一条酒保发来的短信 Fellas, I've got a message from the bar staff.
今晚的特别酒水是暴徒激情 Tonight's house special is Thug's Passion
而且还是买一送一 And it's two for one.
-喂 亲爱的 怎么了 -喂 - Hey, honey, what's up? - Hey.
你终于冷静下来了吗 You've finally calmed down?
我已经不生你的气了 Yeah. You know, I'm not mad at you anymore.
天哪 谢谢 Gee, thanks.
-玩得开心吗 -是的 - Are you having fun? - Oh, yeah.
脱衣舞夜总会都一样 Strip clubs are all the same.
塔克是怎么处理禁摸条例的 How's Tucker handling the no-touch rule?
他正在努力中 You know, he's coping.
有请 她有着许多高空表演的 Welcome to the stage, she's got plenty of fright...
惊险经验 ...with none of the height.
她是赛伦的独家彩虹精灵 She's Salem very own Rainbow Sprite.
-丹 你在哪 -酒吧里 - Dan, where are you? - A club.
不 你在什么地方 具体地点 No, where are you? Geographically.
在附近 Close by.
我简直不能相信 I can't believe this.
年轻人 我们可能不需要这些了 Young man, I don't think we're gonna need this anymore.
-让德鲁来接电话 -他和一个脱衣舞女一起走了 - Put Drew on the phone. - He's leaving with a stripper.
丹 我们都知道那是在撒谎 Dan, we both know that's ridiculous.
让德鲁接电话 Put Drew on the phone.
是克瑞斯蒂 Hey. It's Kristy.
她想要和你说话 她觉得我们在里士满 She wants to talk to you. She thinks we're in Richmond.
-那就告诉她我们在里士满 -没错 - Just tell her we're in Richmond. - Yeah.
-你好 克瑞斯蒂 -德鲁 你们在哪 - Hi, Kristy. - Drew, where are you guys?
我们在赛伦的一个脱衣舞厅 我得挂了 We're at a strip club in Salem. Gotta go.
我不会为你们这些白痴撒谎的 I'm not lying for you Cretins.
我的价值观不受下半身控制 My moral compass doesn't point directly down my pants.
老兄 你 Dude, what did--?
你这是 What do you--?
-操 -操 - Fuck. - Fuck.
丹 你为什么要去赛伦 Dan, why did you go to Salem?
我不知道 塔克 I don't know. Tucker....
丹 又是他 Again, Dan?
又是和塔克一起 Again with the Tucker.
你是谁 他的监护人吗 What are you, his keeper?
这就是真实的你吗 你就这样陪着他 Is that what you are? You just hang out,
冲进去把他救出来然后承担损失 Swoop in and save him and take the hit?
-我不知道 -我不明白你为什么要撒谎 - I don't know. - I don't understand why you lied to me.
我们承诺过对彼此要永远诚实 We promised that we'd always be honest with each other.
我不知道我们为什么要撒谎 我只是 I don't know why we lied. I just--
不要再说我们了 Enough with the "We."
我不管为什么塔克要那样做 I don't care why Tucker did what he did.
我只关心你做了什么 I only care what you did.
亲爱的 你真的那么生气吗 Honey, you're really that mad?
我不知道该说什么了 我得挂了 I don't know what to think. I gotta go.
操 Fuck.
这是最后一次我陪着你鬼混了 Well, that's the last time I listen to you.
老兄 不管怎样 她会没事的 Dude, whatever, she'll get over it.
跟她说是我的错 Tell her it's my fault.
本来就他妈是你的错 It is your fucking fault.
没什么区别 老兄 不用这么紧张 Six of one. Dude, don't sweat it, man.
在塞伦发生的事就留给塞伦吧 What happens in Salem, stays in Salem.
当然没什么了 她是我未婚妻 Well, clearly it doesn't. My fiance,
因为你我才对她撒谎 混蛋 who I lied to because of you, asshole...
她现在在里士满而且非常生气 ...is in Richmond and she's pissed.
没事 给 It's all right. Here.
接下来的20分钟召唤 This is the 20-minute call for
所有舞者到前台表演 all dancers to the main stage...
因为这是单身汉聚会的职责 ...because it is time for bachelor party duty.
-老兄 -有人要被打屁股 -Dude. -Someone needs a spanking.
哥们 机会来了 该你了 Dude, this is it, this is it.
你需要被打屁股 哥们 You need a spanking, man. This is it.
你情绪高涨了吗 这就是给你准备的 上台吧 老兄 Are you fired up? This is for you, go out on stage, man.
她是我的樱桃派 She's my cherry pie
如冷饮般甜美的惊喜 Cool drink of water such a sweet surprise
让我们大家鼓掌欢迎彩虹精灵 Let's give it up for rainbow sprite, everybody.
我马上就回来 在这等我 I'll be right back. Stay there.
好好玩吧 混蛋 Take your time, dickhead.
-你要去哪 -我只是 - Where are you going? - I just, um--
-我很快回来 -你朋友怎么办 - I'll be right back. - What about your friend?
他没事 他很好 别担心他 Oh, he's fine. He's fine. Don't worry about him. Big boy.
操 Fuck.
我是格里夫 你好 Hey, I'm Gulliver. How are you doing?
她甜美而且黏人 但她不会为你准备空穴 She's sweet and sticky, but she won't give you a cavity.
-操 -让我们向甜心问好 - Fuck. - Let's say hello to Candy.
这地方烂透了 This place sucks.
你想不想离开这 玩点更有意思的 You wanna get out of here? Do something more fun?
进去之前我得先告诉你一些事 I need to tell you something before we go inside.
我早他妈的知道了 Oh, I fucking knew it.
我得下车 他们会拿走我的肾 I'm gonna get jumped. They're gonna take my kidneys.
不 我有个儿子 他应该睡了 No. I have a son. He'll be asleep.
但我想提前告诉你 But I wanted to tell you before
别被他放在客厅里的玩具军人绊倒了 You tripped over his army men in the living room.
他叫什么 What's his name?
杰克 他七岁了 Jack. He's 7.
是以他爹的名字 Is he named after his baby
还是以你们当晚喝的酒命名的 daddy or the liquor on which he was conceived?
都不是 只是一个强壮的名字 Neither. It's just a strong name.
我认为小男孩需要个强壮的名字 I think a little boy needs a strong name.
我不喜欢那些男女不分的名字 I'm not a fan of those androgynous names...
像派特 杰西或者德鲁 ...like Pat or Jesse or Drew.
贱人 Bitch.
我不得不说我很惊讶 I can't say I'm shocked.
有孩子是脱衣舞女掩饰自己职业 Having a kid is one of the top three
的三大理由之一 excuses strippers use to justify their career choice.
真的吗 Really?
其他两个是什么 And what are the other two?
第一名是为了付大学学费 The paying my way through college lie heads up that list.
记录在妓女逻辑名誉殿堂里 That's in the whore logic hall of fame.
另一个呢 And the other one?
这样比当妓女或者拍色情片要好 It's better than being a hooker or doing porn.
要知道脱衣舞女并不那么说 You know, strippers don't actually say that.
胡扯 你应该看看莫瑞·波维奇的节目 Bullshit, they don't. You need to watch Maury Povich.
杰克 你不是该睡觉了吗 Jack, aren't you supposed to be in bed?
巴尼说我可以继续玩 Bunny said I could stay up and play.
和那没关系 你该知道自己什么时间睡觉 But it doesn't matter. Your bedtime is your bedtime.
你好 Greetings.
那些军人是好人吗 The army men the good guys?
我看到这里还有些机器卡车人 I see you have some robot truck men here too.
你不该把他们混在一起 You shouldn't mix genres like that.
这样有损军心 It screws up the morale
而且有损战斗力 and jeopardizes the efficacy of your tactics.
我们可以重组一下 Okay, I guess we can work with it.
你究竟是在玩什么 What exactly are you playing?
这些特种部队会突袭那些乐高玩具 Well, the Gi Bobs are gonna surprise attack those legos.
我知道你才7岁 I know that you are but 7 years old.
你说的这些废话都没用 This rigmarole you have here just won't work.
你的侧翼无人支援 Your flanks are exposed.
对于乐高炮兵的抵抗能力非常脆弱 You're vulnerable to an enfilade from lego artillery.
我觉得该是你学学怎么 I think it's time that you learn the proper way...
建造L形伏击阵的时候了 ...to set up an l-shaped ambush.
什么是侧翼 What's a flank?
我来了真是件好事 It's a good thing I came.
现在 是为我们风云人物登场的时候了 And now, it's time for our man of the hour...
今晚的单身汉 ...our bachelor of the night.
为丹鼓掌 Give it up for big Dan.
我有个宝贝叫做简 I had a baby named Jane
她可以摇晃那东西 She could shake that thing
她说她爸爸曾和约翰·柯川混在一起 Said her daddy used to hang with Johnny Coltrane
她唱着灵魂列车和她的朋友珍 She sang a soul train with a friend named Jen
她的阴道比奔驰还要大 Her booty was bigger than a mercedes-benz
不不不 No, no, no.
放手 I said off.
不不不 No, no, no.
你这混蛋 You asshole.
-站起来 -快 混蛋 聚会结束了 - Get on your feet. - Come on, asshole. Party's over.
-没错 -从这滚出去 - Yeah. - Get out of here.
好了 That's it.
-混蛋 -好的 - Asshole. - Okay.
你的军人们现在形成伏击阵型 Your army men are set up in the perfect ambush.
一旦乐高军到达死亡区域 Once the legos get to the kill zone,
不管他们怎么做 他们都死定了 No matter what they do, they're toast.
太棒了 Yes.
也许你长大后不会成为生活的 You might not grow up to be a failure
失败者的 孩子 at life after all, kid.
好了 该睡觉了 Okay. Now it's time for bed.
和德鲁说谢谢 Say thank you to Drew for
谢谢他教怎么攻击你的乐高军人 teaching you how to attack your legos.
谢谢 德鲁 Thanks, Drew.
明天你可以教我其他的伏击阵型吗 Tomorrow can you teach me other ambushes?
我认为我已经阻碍你下周的成长了 I think I've stunted your growth enough for one week.
也许下次我可以 But maybe next time I can
教你怎么运用冷幽默 teach you how to use standoffish humor...
来掩饰自己的无能 ...as a mask for your inability
以发挥更大的人格影响力 to relate to people on a personal level.
好啊 Yay.
-好的 -晚安 德鲁 - Yeah. - Good night, Drew.
晚安杰克 Good night, Jack.
操 Fuck.
你他妈的在干什么 What the hell are you doing?
别管我 伙计们 我只是在烤蛋糕 Don't mind me, boys. I'm just baking a quiche.
你在尿尿吗 那可是犯罪 Are you pissing? That's an actual offense.
塑料徽章先生要给我开罚单吗 Mr. Plastic-Badge gonna give me a ticket?
你他妈的说什么 What the fuck did you just say?
我怎么才能再次面对我的人生 How will I ever face my life again?
让我问你点事情 混蛋警官 Let me ask you something, deputy dipshit.
你当警察 Are you a cop...
是因为你有毕业文凭 ...because you have a GED
还是因为你勃起功能有障碍呢 or because you have erectile dysfunction?
-我真的很想知道 -喂喂 - I'm really curious to know. - Hey, hey.
-你他妈的在朝我尿尿吗 -操 - Are you goddamn shitting me? - What the fuck?
操 操 Fuck. Fuck.
你没有对她撒谎 丹 是我撒了谎 "You didn't lie to her, Dan. I did."
蠢驴 你知道他们做了什么吗 Stupid shit. You know what they did?
他们把我留在一个脱衣舞夜总会 They left me at a strip club.
我的朋友是他妈的白痴 My friends are fucking idiots.
还有那些糖块 "And the syrup nugget, it
它会在你的嘴里融化 操 explodes in your mouth and then I'll skull fuck you."
真他妈傻逼 Fucking stupid.
操 我得赶紧出去 Fuck it. I gotta get the fuck
然后给她打电话 我没有朋友 out of here and call her. I don't have friends.
我朋友都是些蠢货 My friends are douche bags.
可能跟你们一起出去玩都比 You guys are probably more
我那些臭朋友要有意思得多 fun to hang out with than my fucking friends.
他们蠢死了 They're fucking stupid.
我只想要一个充气城堡 All I wanted was a bouncy castle.
一个充气城堡里的迎宾宴会而已 A bouncy castle at the reception. Just a bouncy castle.
我得出去 给我老婆打电话 I gotta get out. Gotta call my wife.
她永远都不会再接受我了 She's never gonna take me back.
谁和我一起 谁支持我 Who's with me? Who's with me?
总得有个人和我一起 Somebody has gotta be with me.
我是唯一一个说英语的 I am the only one who speaks English.
-没有关系的 -什么 - That's no problem, isn't it. - What?
-好的 -好的 - Yeah. - Yeah.
好的 Yeah.
谁和我一起 谁 好的 Who's with me? Who--? Yeah.
革命 Revolution!
看 是警察 Hey, look, it's the cops.
可以了 混蛋们 最后的机会 All right, assholes. Last chance.
这发生什么事了 What the hell is going on in here?
天啊 像在警察学校一样 只是更放荡 Holy shit, it's like police academy, only gayer.
你 And you....
关灯 混账东西 Lights out, motherfucker.
开玩笑 只是个玩笑 It's a fucking joke, it's a joke.
光环 1 猎枪巫师最好用 Halo 1? Shotgun gun wizard was the best board.
没错 Totally.
杰克是个好孩子 Jack's a good kid.
该死 Damn it.
谢谢 Thanks.
我经常想把大多数孩子塞进绞肉机里 I mean, I usually wanna kick most kids into a wood chipper.
你是怎么打败我的 How are you kicking my ass?
这对我来说很重要 That means a lot.
他爸爸离开后他一直很难过 He's had a tough time since his dad left.
我跟你说过我更厉害 I told you I was better.
-我可以打败韩国人 -他为什么离开 - I can beat Koreans. - Why did he leave?
操 你从哪里打死的我 Son of a bitch, where are you even shooting me from?
他觉得我背着他乱搞 He thought that I was cheating on him...
所以他决定报复我 ...so he decided to get even
并且搞砸一切 and screw anything that moved.
你乱搞了吗 Were you?
那并不会令我惊讶 I mean, it wouldn't surprise me.
你的性别与卖淫有着紧密的联系 Your whole gender is hardwired for whoredom.
你穿着粉红盔甲吗 Are you in pink armor?
我讨厌男人随便打女人 I hate it when men randomly bash women.
好比男人发现自己爱上了一个 It's like this pathetic defense mechanism you guys put up...
不可能爱上自己的女人时 ...when you know you're
会有可悲的自我防御情绪产生一样 attracted to a woman who might not be into you.
-那 不是真的 -是真的 - That's not-- that's not true. - Yes, it is.
把一个女孩称为妓女比 It's so much easier to call a girl a whore...
承认自己 ...than it is to admit to yourself
配不上她容易得多 she's out of your league.
这可能就是我曾经听过的妓女逻辑 That is some whore logic if I've ever heard it.
任何人都能成为妓女 德鲁 Anyone is capable of being a whore, Drew.
事实上女人并不一定就是妓女 Being a woman doesn't de facto make you one.
如果你是魔鬼般的妓女 就有可能了 It does if you're a cum-guzzling demon slut.
好吧 Fine.
但你的前任只 But your ex is only
代表她自己 而不是整个性别 Representative of herself, not her whole gender.
不能因她的行为 Her actions don't make
以及我们都是女人 就认为我也是妓女 me a whore simply because we're both women.
你背着丈夫乱搞了吗 Did you cheat?
没有 No.
如果你想重新找到真爱 If you ever wanna find love again
你就必须克服 you're gonna have to get over...
你那些孩子气的想法 ...these childish notions that you have.
如果你不做改变 If you don't...
你的人生将会 ...your personal life will
继续维持现状 像一堆热气腾腾的狗屎 remain the steaming pile of shit that it is now.
游戏结束 多次连杀 Game over. Killing Frenzy.
操他妈的 Motherfucker.
你是那个粉色战士 You're the pink mist.
如果我吻你 你是不是早就闭嘴了 If I kiss you, will you shut up already?
-可以吗 -没问题 - Are you okay? - Yeah, I'm okay.
我这是在哪 Where am I?
你个醉鬼 Drunk tank....
太恶心了 That's disgusting.
我希望这不是你们干的 I hope that wasn't one of you guys.
妈的 我能打个电话吗 兄弟 Fuck. Can I make a call, man?
不好意思 Sorry.
-接线员 -你好 - Operator. - Yeah, hi.
我要打一个对方付费电话 I need to make a collect call...
号码是323-351-7640 ...to 323-351 -7640.
请在哔声后说出您的名字 State your name after the beep.
是丹 It's Dan.
-接线员 -好吧 - Operator. - Uh, yeah.
你能试试 Can you try...
281-555-8009吗 ...281 -555-8009?
请在哔声后说出您的名字 State your name after the beep.
丹 Dan.
狗娘养的 你他妈的在哪啊 Son of a bitch, where the hell are you?
-我就在这儿 -不 不是说你 - I'm right here, sir. - No, not you.
能不能请你再试一次 请帮我拨 Look, can you just try one more? Can you try...
918-555-7640 ...918-555-7640?
请在哔声后说出您的名字 State your name after the beep.
你他妈怎么回事 没听见我说话吗 What the fuck? Are you fucking with me?
我是丹 就他妈拨个电话而已 It's Dan, just dial the fucking phone
这样我就不用待在这了 so I don't spend the last of my days in--
见鬼 Fuck!
喂 What?
赛伦市监狱接线员为您转接的对方付费电话 This is the Salem City Jail operator with
-来自 -你他妈的没听我讲话吗 - a collect call from: - Are you fucking with me?
我是丹 就他妈的拨个电话而已 It's Dan, dial the fucking phone
这样我就不用待在这了 so I don't spend the last of my days--
-见鬼 -是丹吗 - Fuck. - Daniel?
天哪 杰庚斯夫人 Oh, Jesus. Mrs. Jorgens?
发生什么事了 What's going on?
能让克瑞斯蒂接电话吗 Can you get Kristy for me?
不行 你在哪 No, I cannot. Where are you?
我在监狱里 I'm in jail.
-真令人震惊 -妈妈 是丹吗 - What a shock. - Mom, is that Dan?
妈的 Fuck.
-嘿 -伙计 怎么样 - Hey. - Dude, how did it go?
-一切顺利吗 -当然了 - Everything good? - Of course.
-你觉得会发生什么 -我觉得 - What did you think was gonna happen? - What do I think?
滚开 妈妈 不要 Get away! Mommy! No!
滚开 不要 妈妈 Get away! No! Mommy!
太荒谬了 那些玩具我已经有了 That's ridiculous. I already have all those toys.
你好 杰克 Hey, Jack.
我的200块哪去了 Where's my 200 bucks?
你是说我的200块吗 Oh, you mean my 200 bucks?
对 她很棒 Yeah, she's good.
很好 玩得不错嘛 Nice, well played.
这个给你 You can have this.
谢谢你 杰克 Thanks, Jack.
你知道吗 Hey, you know what?
我想把这个给你 I want you to have this.
一个特种部队的钥匙扣 A G.I. Bob keychain.
鲍勃是那些士兵的指挥官 Bob was the commander for the soldiers that went to battle.
像你这么大的时候 他是我的最爱 He was my favorite when I was your age.
不过 你要向我保证一件事 You gotta promise me one thing, though.
你要像鲍勃那样照顾所有的士兵 You take care of all your soldiers just like Bob.
-特别是你妈妈 -我保证 - Especially your mom. - I promise.
真乖 All right.
-我到家了给你电话 -好的 - I'll call you when I get home. - Okay.
继续打造你的埋伏阵型吧 伙计 Keep working on your ambushes, buddy.
再见 德鲁 Bye, Drew.
你把鲍勃钥匙扣给了一个妓女的孩子 Did you just give your Bob keychain to a whore baby?
她不是妓女 She's not a whore.
好吧 Okay.
拿着 兄弟 我给你拿了点吃的 Here you go, man. I got you one of these suckers.
丹哪去了 Where's Dan?
我的妈呀 Holy shit.
我的天 伙计 你出什么事了 Jesus Christ, man. What the fuck happened to you?
快走吧 Let's fucking go.
伙计 你肯定不会相信我遇到了什么 Dude, you are not gonna believe what happened to me.
你知道那种感觉吗 You know the feeling you get
就是你一直寻找着她 when you're looking for that somone...
努力地寻找 ...and you are trying so hard
就像永远都找不可能找她了 you think you might never find her?
然后 就在你快要放弃的时候 And then, just as you're about to give up...
乌云散去 柳暗花明 她出现了 ...the clouds part, the path widens, and there she is.
先生们 昨晚我达到了巅峰 Gentlemen, last night I reached the mountaintop.
德鲁 我看到她时你刚刚离开酒吧 Drew, you had just left the bar when I saw her.
我的侏儒公主 My midget princess.
她的黑发与电眼 Her dark hair and sparkling eyes
让我想起了艾莉莎·米兰諾 reminded me of Alyssa Milano.
她短小的脊椎骨和弓形腿 Her compressed cervical vertebrae and bowed legs...
完全是艾莉莎·米兰諾放进台钳里 ...told me exactly what Alyssa Milano would look like...
被压缩到四分之一之后的样子 ...if she were placed in a vise and squished to one-quarter size.
所以当她的内八字脚经过我我们时 So as her pigeon-toed feet carried her past our table...
我把坐姿调矮了一些 ...I slid down in my chair,
希望能捕捉到她的目光 hoping to catch her eye.
她看我了 She looked at me.
她撩人的牙齿 Her mashed-up teeth...
在新型售套机的映衬下闪着光 ...sparkling in the oily light of the novelty condom machine.
我给了她一个清楚无误的 I gave her my unmistakable
我想上你的眼神 I-want-to-fuck-you eyes.
她给我回了一个我脊椎痛的表情 She shot back a quick my-spine-hurts face,
我被迷住了 and I was smitten.
她去了吧台 点了杯饮料 She went to the bar, ordered a drink.
我坐到她旁边的凳子上 I took the stool next to hers.
我是格里夫 你好 Hey, I'm Gulliver. How are you doing?
啤酒瓶在她的小手里显得格外沉重 The beer bottle looked massive in her tiny little hands.
我满脑子都想着 All I could think about was
那双手能把我的小弟弟弄多大 how big those hands would make my penis look.
她把瓶口全吞进去了 She ate it up.
我不是侏儒 我只是身材矮小 I'm not a dwarf, I'm a little person.
是医生这么跟你说的吗 小坏蛋 Is that what doc told you, grumpy?
对于我的小玩笑 她笑了一小下 She laughed her tiny little laugh at my tiny little jokes...
然后她给了我一个明确的信号 ...and then threw me a fastball down the middle.
那么 你想干什么 So, what do you want to do?
那正是我需要的小开场白 It was the tiny little opening I needed.
我想在你的嘴巴里乱搞一通 I wanna make a mess in your mouth.
-那去我房间吧 -好的 - Let's go to my place, then. - Okay.
安全起见 把锄头留在这里吧 Just to be safe, leave the pickax here.
我可不希望你钻到床下 I don't want you tunneling under the bed,
找钻石什么的 那会把我吓坏的 looking for diamonds. It'll freak me out.
没有一丝的思索 Without a tiny little second thought,
她滑下凳子 she swung down from the stool...
用她香肠般的指头抓住了我的小指 ...took my pinky in her sausage fingers
带我走出了门 and guided me out the door.
等等 Wait.
你是想告诉我 我受了这么多伤 You mean to tell me that I have this and this...
就因为你想操一个侏儒吗 ...because you wanted to fuck an Oompa Loompa,
没开玩笑吧 are you serious?
伙计 这就是命运 Dude, it was destiny.
你记得吗 You remember?
那个侏儒脱衣舞女 The midget stripper
就是昨天教授上课说的那个 the professor was talking about in class yesterday.
在去接德鲁之前 I went on Westlaw...
我在西部法律数据库找到了她的工作地点 ...and found out where she worked before I picked up Drew.
你以前没去过那家脱衣舞夜总会吗 You've never been to that strip club before?
没有 我是说 这次才去的 No. I mean, not until last time.
真该死 Holy shit.
因为这个你就带我们去了那个垃圾酒吧 That's why you took us to that crappy bar.
正是因为这个你才让我打电话 That's why you had me call information
问夜总会的地址 to find out where the club was.
没错 Yes.
告别单身派对只是个幌子对吗 The bachelor party was just a fucking ruse?
丹 Dan, Dan, Dan.
你认识的人里有几个上过侏儒啊 How many people do you know who have fucked a midget?
-你不觉得那很棒吗 -你开什么玩笑 - You don't think that's awesome? - Are you fucking kidding me?
请慢用 请小声点 注意用词 Here you go. Keep it down? Watch your language.
我也许要失去我的未婚妻了 I might not have a fiancee
就因为你把我扯进了 anymore because you dragged me into a lie...
这个我根本就不想也没必要参与的谎言 ...that I didn't want or fucking need to be a part of.
现在我只想回到里士满 Now I have to go back to Richmond
乞求她的原谅 and beg her for her forgiveness...
恳求她不要取消 ...and plead with her not to cancel the wedding...
我们已经计划了他妈两年的婚礼 塔克 ...that we have been planning for two fucking years, Tucker.
整整他妈两年啊 Two fucking years.
我 I--
我回去之后该怎么说 And what am I gonna do when I get there, huh?
看看我这张脸吧 伙计 Look at my fucking face, man.
我看起来就像参与了一场监狱斗殴 I look like I've been on the wrong end of a prison beating
因为事实正是如此 because I fucking have.
伙计 Dude.
让我讲完我的故事 不只你有故事 Let me finish my story. It's not always about you.
-丹 丹 丹 -我有故事 - Dan, Dan, Dan! - About me?
-别这样 别这样 -哦天 - Come on, come on. - Oh, my god.
-上帝啊 -放开我 - Jesus. - Get off of me!
-兄弟 那可是侏儒啊 -喂 喂 - Dude. It was a midget. - Hey, hey, hey!
现在 如果我是塔克 我就会他妈的闭嘴 Right now, if I were Tucker, I would shut the fuck up.
-我想告诉你一件事 -我不想听 妈妈 - I will tell you one thing. - I don't wanna hear it, mom.
我不想听 I don't wanna hear it.
没有哪个好基督徒会大量酗酒 No good baptist would be caught dead drinking to excess...
或者因引起骚乱而被捕 ...or getting arrested for causing a ruckus.
当然了 好的基督徒是不会被逮到的 Of course not, good baptists don't get caught.
没错 That's right.
他们只是干坐着评判别人 They just sit in judgment of others...
拒绝在别人最需要帮助的时候伸出援手 ...refusing to help them when they need it the most.
不要跟我玩小聪明 年轻人 Don't you get smart with me, young lady.
你决定和某人相爱不是我的错 It is not my fault that you decided to fall in love with some...
-和一个无法共患难的清教徒 -我的天 - Fair-weather protestant. - Oh, my god.
女人可以当牧师 Ordaining women.
-还允许同性恋结婚 -妈妈 - And marrying the homosexuals. - Mother!
这是事实 Well, it's true.
一个没有原罪但 A religion with all of the
但其他精神内涵都有的宗教 spirituality and none of the guilt? Ha-ha-ha.
得了吧 Oh, please.
这样可不对 It's not right.
现在 来看看这位选择回到 Well, now, look who the lord has chosen to
这个温暖的家的阁下 deliver unto this happy home.
我们得谈谈 We need to talk.
天哪 丹 你的脸 Good gracious, Daniel, your face.
你出什么事了 What happened to you?
-宝贝 我很抱歉 -抱歉 - Babe, I'm sorry. - Sorry?
婚礼全毁了 看看你的脸 The wedding is ruined. Look at your face!
够了 妈妈 Enough, mom.
天哪 我们得推迟婚礼 Oh, my-- well, we have to postpone it.
我不能在家里挂这样的婚礼照片 I cannot display your wedding photos in my house.
别人会怎么想 What will people think?
你说的这些都是胡扯 This isn't about you and your baloney.
宝贝 你还好吗 Honey, are you okay?
宝贝 Babe.
上帝啊 别再让塔克 God, you just gotta stop letting Tucker
别再把你扯进这些破事里了 get you into these messes.
我知道了 Look, I get it.
你没事吧 Are you okay?
还好 I'm fine.
你还是别笑了 You better stop laughing.
-你看起来不太好 -别说了 - You don't look fine. - Shut up.
宝贝 Baby.
脏死了 我们走 Gross. We have to go.
-我会像对那些伙计一样毒打你的 -是吗 - I'll work you over like I did these guys. - Oh, yeah?
我把他们都杀了 I killed them.
-伙计 往好处想我该怎么办 -去忏悔 - Dude, what's good for positive thinking? - Penance.
运动应该不错 我们打篮球吧 Exercise is supposed to be good, let's play some hoops.
我们有课的 We have class.
那个我们每年交三万五 That place we pay 35 grand a year
却只在娱乐之余才会去的地方 to attend between happy hours.
那地方是很无趣 Eh, that place is dumb.
你跟丹谈过了吗 Have you talked to Dan?
我给他打过很多次电话 但他不接 I tried calling him a bunch of times, but he didn't pick up.
不是吧 他不是真生气吧 What? He's not actually pissed, is he?
本我趋使下的自我陶醉让你完全失去了 Has your id-driven narcissism completely stripped you...
评价自己行为后果的能力了吗 ...of the ability to evaluate the consequences of your actions?
伙计 这又不是什么大事 Dude, this is not that big of a deal.
你喝醉了吗 Are you drunk?
你连这都不知道 How have you gotten this far in life
之前的日子都是怎么过的 without understanding this stuff?
明天我们到宾馆的时候我会道歉的 I'll apologize to him tomorrow when we get to the hotel.
那样我们就算两清了 That way we can be done with all this bullshit.
上帝确实是袒护儿童和傻瓜啊 God truly does protect children and fools,
因为你两个都是 塔克 because you are both, Tucker.
左边的那个 他是素食主义者 That guy on the left, he's a vegan.
-真的吗 -看看他的腹肌 天哪 - Really? - Look at those abs, Jesus.
没有脂肪 全是腹肌 No meat, just abs.
听起来不错 狠狠打他 Oh, this sounds good. Kick his ass.
我好累啊 I'm so tired.
好耶 Yay.
是塔克 你想跟他说话吗 It's Tucker. You wanna talk to him?
你好 丹在吗 Hey, is Dan here?
伙计 Yo, dude.
我能进来吗 谈谈 Can I come in? Talk?
那我进来了 I'm coming in.
丹 哥们 Yo, Dan. Dude.
对不起 Sorry.
无所谓了 Whatever.
好吧 Okay.
好吧 我该怎么做 All right, what should I do?
-诚恳地道歉 -我道过歉了 - Apologize sincerely. - I just did.
塔克 你到底活在怎样的奇欢世界里 Tucker, what kind of fantasy world do you live in?
一句话外加点头并不是诚恳的道歉 One word and a guy head nod isn't a sincere apology.
那我该说什么 我又不会读心术 What am I supposed to say? I'm not a mind reader.
你知道现在形势有多严重吗 Do you understand the magnitude of the situation?
他为了你而对我撒谎 He lied to me for you.
他进监狱也是因为 He landed in jail because
你根本没做到一个朋友应该做的 you failed as a friend in every way possible.
我没让他对你撒谎 I didn't make him lie to you.
他撒谎是因为你是他的朋友 塔克 He lied because he's your friend, Tucker.
-是为了保护你 -太蠢了 保护我什么 - To protect you. - That's stupid, protect me from what?
为了不让他未来的妻子 From his future wife thinking
觉得他最好的朋友是个自私 撒谎的混蛋 his best friend is a selfish, lying son of a bitch.
你知道吗 事实比那更严重 Except for you know what? It's even worse than that.
因为我一直都知道你很自私 Because I always knew you were selfish.
现在我开始担心你是一个恶魔 Now I worry that you're this destructive force...
而我无法保护我的爱人不受你的伤害 ...that I can't trust to protect the man I love.
那只是一个单身告别派对 It was a bachelor party.
塔克 看着我 Tucker, look at me.
你根本就不明白 You don't understand.
友谊也是有底线的 Part of friendship is knowing boundaries.
你知道丹的底线是什么吗 Do you know what Dan's are?
-当然知道 -你知道吗 - Yeah, of course. - You do?
知道 Yeah.
然后呢 那你就直接无视它们了吗 What? So you just ignored them?
直接推开它们 Pushed right past them?
他为了你不顾自己的原则 He sacrificed his line in the sand for you...
而你却不能为他放弃一个侏儒的阴道 ...and you couldn't sacrifice a midget vagina for him.
现在你明白我们的婚礼为什么不欢迎你了 And you wonder why you're not welcome at our wedding.
你们没邀请我吗 I'm not invited?
没有 塔克 我们没有 No, Tucker, you're not.
不可能 丹怎么说的 There's no way. What does Dan say?
你没听懂 你是否参加婚礼我并不介意 You don't get it. I don't care if you're at our wedding.
是丹不希望见到你 It's Dan who doesn't want you there.
去他妈的 Fuck it.
是塔克 It's Tucker.
谢谢 Thanks.
-什么事 -你在干什么 伙计 - What's up? - What are you doing, man?
没什么 劳拉在这儿 Nothing. Lara's here.
不错 我们一起聚聚吧 Oh, cool, let's all hang out.
喝点东西 叫个脱衣舞女来跳舞 Get some drinks. We can take the stripper dancing.
不 谢谢了 我们今晚打算待在屋里 Yeah, no thanks. We're just gonna stay in tonight.
明天有很多事要忙呢 We got a long day tomorrow.
有了女人并不是说你就变成了女人 Getting pussy doesn't mean you need to be a pussy.
我们一起去玩吧 Let's all hang out.
好吧 塔克 Yes, Tucker.
侮辱我们并急切地重复你的原始欲望 Insult us and insistently reassert your initial demand.
-那就不一样了 -你在说什么 - That will make the difference. - What are you talking about?
你这周已经失去一个好朋友了 You already submarined one relationship this week.
在你毁掉我们的关系前 I'd like a chance to see if
看看我是否还能撑下去 好吗 mine can float before you torpedo it, all right?
我得挂了 I gotta go.
去他妈的连个玩笑都开不起 Fuck them if they can't take a joke.
我有两只猫 一只公的一只母的 I have two cats. A girl and a boy.
阿比盖尔·露露·戴比斯和泽西·雷门·戴比斯 Abigail Lulu Dibiase and Jersey Lemon Dibiase.
你为什么养猫 Why do you own cats?
你喜欢你的房子周围 Do you enjoy having big boxes of shit
全是装着屎的垃圾盒吗 all around your house?
-我每天都都清理垃圾盒的 -天啊 - I clean the litter boxes every day. - Wow, god.
它们那么傲慢你不会烦吗 Does it not bother you how haughty they are?
它们毫不关心你 They couldn't give a fuck about you
我的猫不会 Not my cats.
它们不是普通的猫 他们就像狗 They're not like regular cats, they're like dogs.
你看 这话给人暗示 每个养猫的都这么说 Now, see, that is right on cue. Every cat person says that.
你知道什么样猫才不普通吗 Now, you know what's not like a regular cat?
一只狗 A fucking dog.
不用谢我了 There's no need to thank me.
静静地 敬畏地崇拜就是对它的奖赏 The silent, awed adoration is its own reward.
你在做什么 What you doing?
我正在跟海龟聊天 I'm talking to the turtles.
它们是让你去杀了我身后的肥婆吗 Are they telling you to kill that fat girl behind us?
它们是这样告诉我的 Because that's what they're telling me to do.
怎么了 你在生什么气呢 What? How can you be mad about that?
胖女孩不算是人 Fat girls aren't real people.
一个男人怎么能这么说话 How can a man say something like that?
我通常不会说 平时都是我朋友德鲁说 Well, usually I don't say it. Usually it's my friend Drew.
然后我来到这 And then I come in,
在伤心之时泡个妞儿 但他却不在 Pick up the girl on the rebound. But he's not here.
所以你在自己喝酒吗 So you're drinking alone?
这是酒精中毒的前兆 That's one of the beginning stages of alcoholism, you know.
我早就过了初级阶段了 Oh, I am way past the beginning stages.
我已经习惯藏好烈酒并在黑暗中独饮了 I already hide liquor and drink alone in the dark.
-这太可悲了 -不 一点也不 - That's sad. - No, it isn't.
想想吧 你太小看喝酒了 Think about it. Drinking is highly underrated.
喝酒有什么损害 What are the detriments to drinking?
-我不知道 -你不知道 - I don't know. - You don't know.
好吧 它会伤害你和家庭朋友的关系吗 Okay, how about it hurts relationships with family and friends?
我不喜欢我的家人 I don't like my family
而我的朋友和我一样喝很多酒 and my friends drink as much as me.
长期喝酒会引起健康问题吗 How about it causes long-term health problems?
我没担当心长期的问题 I drive way too fast to worry about anything long-term.
我还会说它很费钱 Now, it costs money. I'll give you that.
但是反正我也会毫无顾忌的花钱 But I'm gonna spend my money recklessly anyway.
花在酒精上 Better on alcohol
总比起花在毒品或黄色杂志上强多了 than on drugs or pornography.
喝酒会引起粗鲁的异常举动吗 How about it causes rude and aberrant behavior?
当我清醒时我是个混蛋 喝酒让我冷静下来 I'm an asshole when I'm sober, drinking actually calms me down.
现在想想它的好处 Now, think about its benefits.
让我面对指责刀枪不入 Makes me invulnerable to criticism.
让丑陋的人有吸引力 无趣的人有趣起来 Makes ugly people attractive, boring people interesting.
它让性感的姑娘们喜欢上我 It makes hot girls like me.
对我的钱来说 选它显而易见 For my money, the choice is obvious.
混蛋 Motherfucker!
蒙戈生气了 蒙戈发飙了 Oh, Mongo got angry! Mongo smash!
你彻底没有机会了 知道吗 You just totally blew your chance, you know.
刚才你独自一人傻站着 There you were standing by yourself...
现在两个性感女孩决定跟你说话了 when two hot girls decided to talk to you.
-什么性感女孩 -我们 - What hot girls? - Us!
那也会是我想问的 什么性感女孩 That was gonna be my question too. What hot girls?
上帝保佑你那颗过劳的心 God bless your overworked heart.
又一个胖妞儿的玩笑 Oh, another fat-girl joke.
真的很伤人 That really cuts deep.
唯一能伤到你的办法 The only way that I could cut
就是拿一把战斧还需要一段助跑 you deep is with a battleaxe and a running start.
你听到那小妞儿说什么了吗 Yo, yo, did you hear that chick?
你见过婚礼的不速之客吗 You ever seen wedding crashers?
她们以为自己是仙女下凡呢 They look like they're a 10 when they're standing there.
你什么意思 你要求那么高吗 What do you mean? You can count that high?
瘦干儿 胖墩儿 什么也不是 Skinny, fat one, zero?
-我们走吧 -真是个蠢货 - Let's go. - What a dickhead.
条纹上衣很好看 路易基 Nice striped shirt, Luigi.
听着奥莉薇 Hey, Olive Oyl,
真不敢相信你选了布鲁托没选大力水手 I can't believe you picked Bluto over Popeye.
你犯了大错 That's fucked up.
至少我没有在酒吧一个人喝闷酒 At least I'm not at the bar drinking by myself.
去你妈的 死肥婆 Fuck you, fatty.
我想要去参加派对 但是他没来电话 I wanted to go the party, but he didn't call.
你好 Hey, how's it going?
-真漂亮 戒指真漂亮 -谢谢 - This is beautiful, this ring is beautiful. - Thanks.
你是真的结婚了 You married
还是只是为了让那些蠢货远离你呢 or do you wear that to keep the douche bags away?
我真的结婚了 No, I'm actually married.
那么你的婚姻有多幸福 Then how good is your marriage?
幸福到可以让我维持下去 Good enough to keep me in it.
-那你在这儿干嘛 -女孩之夜 - Then what are you doing here? - Girls' night out.
得了吧 这不就是在说 Come on, isn't that just code for
让我们喝醉后在厕所勾引帅哥吗 "Hey, let's get drunk and suck off hot guys in the bathroom? "
也许跟你约会的女孩是这样的 Maybe for the girls you hang out with.
你是在说我的妈妈是个妓女吗 Are you calling my mom a slut?
她知道你这样说她吗 Does she know you talk like that?
你丈夫知道你在酒吧里跟别人调情吗 Does your husband know you flirt with men you meet in bars?
-这重要吗 -无关紧要 - Does it really fucking matter? - No, it doesn't.
你不邀请我进去吗 You're not gonna invite me in?
-这只有一个厕所 -还有一个洗手池呢 对吗 - There's only one toilet. - There's a sink, isn't there?
你总是跟等着上厕所的女人调情吗 Do you always hit on women in the bathroom line?
不是 Nope.
我只跟可以上床的性感女人调情 Only hot ones I want to sleep with.
你觉得我很性感 You think I'm hot?
宝贝 你这么性感 如果我跟你幽会 Baby, you're so hot, if I were dating you,
我都愿意下床 I'd never leave the house.
我甚至都不愿离开你的阴道周围 I'd never even leave your vaginal area,
除非我要射在你的脸上 unless I was coming on your face.
你真是个淘气的小子 You are a naughty little boy.
你凭什么认为我会跟你上床 What makes you think I'm gonna have sex with you?
得了吧 Oh, please.
我一定会拔枪猛攻 I'm gonna hit it so hard...
谁能把我从你身边拖走 就能当英国国王了 whoever pulls me out of you is gonna become king of England.
-不好意思 -你们好 - Excuse us. - Hello.
-下一个就是你 老太婆 -不知羞耻 - You're next, gertrude. - Shameful.
妈的 Fuck.
-你没事吧 -没事 - Are you all right? - Yeah.
-准备好了 -等等 - Ready? - Wait.
他妈的怎么了 What the fuck?
我得去上大号 I gotta take a shit.
不 等等 我先去 好吗 No, wait. I gotta go first, okay?
-什么 -宝贝 等一下 我很快的 - What? - Baby, wait. I'll just be a second.
他妈的 Oh, fuck.
该死 Goddamn.
-你在里面干什么呢 -没事 - What are you doing in there? - Nothing.
听起来不像没事 快点 It doesn't sound like nothing. Hurry up!
我马上就出来 I'll be right out.
打开排风扇 Turn on the fan.
你的屁都能点着了 Light a match or something.
妈的 Oh, fuck.
-对不起 不 -这儿有空气清新剂 - I'm sorry. Oh, no. - Some air freshener in around here.
-我感觉不舒服 -你没事的 - I'm not feeling so good. - You're okay.
我得走了 I should go.
-不 不 不 什么 -我要走了 - No, no, no, what? - I'm going.
妈的 什么味儿 去他妈的 Fuck, what is that smell? Holy shit.
妈的 你让马桶堵了 Fuck! You clogged it.
你他妈的把一个旅馆的马桶弄堵了 You clogged a motherfucking hotel toilet.
什么的肠胃才能 What kind of constipated meth-head
让旅馆的厕所都堵了啊 bowel movement does it take to clog a hotel toilet?
对不起 Sorry.
在吗 Hello?
妈的 Oh, fuck.
非常感谢 厕所在哪儿 Thank you very much. Bathroom?
-厕所在哪儿 -在主大厅 - Where's the bathroom? - In the main lobby.
主大厅 Main lobby.
大厅在 妈的 What lobby is--? Oh, fuck it.
他妈的 厕所在哪儿 Fucking shit! Where's the bathroom?
他妈的怎么走 Which way is the fucking...?
不 不 不 Oh, no, no, no.
妈的 Fuck.
妈的 不 Oh, fuck, no.
妈的 妈的 Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck.
该死 Shit.
妈的 Oh, fuck.
妈的 Fuck!
对不起 I'm sorry.
天啊 我希望在地狱里也有啤酒喝 God, I hope they serve beer in hell.
你可以吻新娘了 You may kiss the bride.
现在请全体起立 And now will you please rise?
是的 Yep.
是的 是的 我知道 Yeah. Yeah, I know.
是的是的 要最大号的 Yep, yep. The biggest one you got.
好的 非常感谢 Okay, thank you very much.
不要动 不要动 好的 Hold it. Hold it. Good.
非常好 好的 你的头往那边 This is good. Okay. Can I get you to move your head a little--?
这一次 她所能谈的只有她和丹 This time, all she could do was talk about her and Dan.
他们一直注视着对方 手牵着手 They couldn't stop looking at each other and holding hands.
在那之后 我就知道他会是她的守护神 After that, I knew he was a keeper.
我是对的 我爱你克瑞斯蒂 And I was right. I love you, Kristy.
我是杰夫 我是丹的哥哥也是他的伴郎 Hey, I'm Jeff. I'm Dan's older brother and his best man.
丹和我关系很好 Dan and I go way back.
实际上 我感觉已经认识他一辈子了 In fact, I kind of feel like I've known him in my whole life.
当丹告诉我他遇见了想娶的女孩时 When Dan told he'd met the girl he was gonna marry...
我并不相信 I didn't believe it.
因为几年前 他还在向女孩儿们扔石头 Only a few short years ago, he was throwing rocks at girls...
而现在他手里却牵着一个女孩 and now he is putting one on her finger.
天啊 Oh, god.
我认识克瑞斯蒂好几年了 I have known Kristy for a few years now...
我找不到比她更好的弟媳了 and I couldn't ask for a better sister-in-law.
敬我的弟弟和他的新娘 Here is to my little bro and his bride.
好了 呆子 把麦克风给我 All right, Sling Blade, give me that mike.
你们当中有些人可能不认识我 Some of you may not know me.
我叫塔克·麦克斯 My name is Tucker Max.
丹是我最好的朋友 Dan's my best friend.
至少他曾经是 直到上个星期 At least he was, until last week
我利用了丹的善良和忠诚 when I took advantage of Dan's kindness and loyalty.
我迫使他对克瑞斯蒂撒了谎 I forced him into lying to Kristy,
拽着他开了两个小时的车 dragged him two hours away...
让他喝得烂醉如泥 got him abusively drunk,
然后丢下他去和侏儒脱衣舞女郎上床 and then ditched him to sleep with a midget stripper.
我就是 在丹一生中最重要的一天 I am the reason that, on the most important day of Dan's life...
让丹愁眉苦脸的原因 Dan's face looks like a melted barbie doll's.
再等一下 Just wait.
最糟糕的是我不知道我做错了什么 The worst part is, I didn't know I was doing anything wrong.
我只是做了我通常会做的 I was just doing what I've always done,
我想做什么就做什么 which is pretty much whatever I want.
坦率的说 到目前为止很适合我 And to be honest, it's worked out pretty well for me so far.
直到二十四小时之前 Up until about 24 hours ago...
当我的自私真的影响到了我 when my selfishness finally caught up with me...
让我和丹的 And cost me Dan's
友情破灭而让我无法参加这个婚礼 friendship and my invitation to this wedding.
而我昨晚仍旧满不在乎地又出去鬼混了 Still, I shrugged it off and went out last night anyway.
我不想让你们听烦 I'm not gonna bore you,
总而言之 我喝醉了 But the long and short of it is, I got drunk...
那一晚我在旅馆大厅边冲刺边 And ended the night sprinting across the hotel lobby...
无法控制地拉在了裤子里 uncontrollably shitting my pants.
不 是真的 我拉满了整个大厅 Ha-ha. No, really, I crapped all over the lobby.
再一次的由于我自私的个性 And continuing with my selfish behavior...
我丢下一团糟的局面 回到了 I left my mess, went back
我的旅馆房间装作什么事也没发生 to my hotel room and acted like nothing happened.
唯一让我没有 The only thing that kept me
在我自己的呕吐中昏倒的原因是 from passing out in a pile of my own puke...
敲门的声音 was all the knocking at the door.
看着她生气的疲惫的脸 Staring into her angry, overworked face,
我一瞬间清醒了 I had a moment of clarity.
总是有人在给我擦屁股 Someone else always cleans up my mess.
在过去的那些年中 那个人就是丹 And for the past few years, that person has been Dan.
在凌晨三点钟 我跪在地上 At 3 in the morning, down on my knees...
在我整个人生中 literally cleaning up my
第一次自己给自己擦屁股 own shit for the first time in my adult life...
我终于明白了丹是多么好的一个人 I finally understood what an amazing person Dan is...
我有是多么的幸运 And how lucky I am...
或者说曾是多么幸运 能把他称为朋友 or was, to call him my friend.
丹 克瑞斯蒂 Dan, Kristy.
当我昨晚去你们的旅馆房间道歉的时候 When I came to your hotel room last night to say I'm sorry...
我真的不明白我为什么要道歉 I honestly didn't understand what I was apologizing for.
但是在过去的二十四小时中 我恍然大悟了 But in the last 24 hours, it's hit me.
就像十磅重的屎砸在了我的脸上 It's hit me like 10 pounds of slippery shit.
我是个很糟糕的朋友 I've been a terrible friend.
尽管我也许依旧 And even though I probably
不配成为你们的朋友 don't deserve either of you in my life...
但我必须来这里 I had to come down here
告诉你们这些并请求你们的原谅 and tell you that and ask for your forgiveness.
我希望你们能接受我真诚的道歉 And I hope you will accept my sincere apology.
现在 Now....
我知道这可能 I know that this is probably
吓坏了你们大多数人 gonna scare the crap out of most of you...
但是我希望哪天我也能有孩子 but I hope to have kids someday.
而且我确信我只会有女儿 And I'm sure that I will only have daughters...
而且她们都会成为 And they will all be
跟像我这样的混蛋上床的妓女 vicious sluts who sleep with assholes like me...
这会给我当头一棒 但这就是我的报应 and throw back it in my face. But such is karma.
如果有一个男孩的话 If one is a boy, though...
如果他长大后有丹一半好的话 I would consider myself a huge success as a father...
我就认为自己是一个非常成功的父亲了 if he grew up to be half the man Dan is right now.
太温馨了 That's so sweet.
脱衣舞女 Strippers.
丹 Dan.
我从未感谢过你 I never thanked you...
从未答谢过你 never acknowledged you...
甚至从来没想过 never even really thought about it.
我只知道从你那里索取 老兄 I just took from you, dude.
我真的非常抱歉 I'm really sorry.
所以平生第一次 我要给你一些回报 So for once, I want to give you something back.
-不 -跟我来 我们走 - No. - Here we go, follow me.
来吧 起来 Let's go. Get up.
婚礼要在外面举行了 Wedding's going outside.
你会喜欢的 你会喜欢的 You're gonna love it. You're gonna love it.
你们会喜欢的 You're gonna love it.
这边来 来吧 来吧 Here we go. Come on, come on.
好的 好的 Yeah. Yeah.
快去 去玩吧 Get it. Go get it.
好的 好的 Oh, yeah. Yeah.
好了 切好了 All right, it's open.
三 Three!
塔克我得说 当你进来时 我快要吓死了 Tucker, I gotta say, when you came in here, I almost died.
我不知道你要干什么 I didn't know what you were gonna do.
那段讲话真的非常棒 That speech was really good.
谢谢 你们应得的 Thank you. You guys deserve it.
是啊 确实 Yeah, we did.
过来 Come here.
恭喜你 Congratulations.
-婚礼总是令人愉快 -谢谢 - Weddings are gay. - Thank you.
-不用谢 -我得去招待一下客人了 - You're welcome. - I am going to go check on the guests.
我要去看看杰克 Well, I'm gonna go check on Jack.
回见 Bye.
好了 你真的上了一个侏儒女吗 All right, you really fucked a midget?
是的 Oh, yeah.
当她骑你身上时 When she's riding you,
你能让她像陀螺似的旋转吗 can you spin her like a top?
哥们 我试了 但是她的阴道太窄了 Dude, I tried, but her vagina's too shallow.
医学全错了 The physics were all wrong.
-你真的在大厅里拉屎了 -是的 - Did you really shit the lobby? - Oh, yeah.
你真的打扫干净了 Did you really clean it up?
既然清洁工都拿着拖把和桶出现了 Well, the janitor did show up with the mop and the bucket.
你们认识了我这么多年 You guys have known me for many years.
你们觉得塔克会怎么做 What do you think Tucker would do?
我就知道 你连自己的衣服都不洗 I knew it. You don't even do your own laundry.
真他妈的不敢相信 哥们 你居然没打扫 Un-fucking-believable, bro. You didn't clean it up.
就出现在我的婚礼上 You show up at my wedding,
吐露了你的心声 那些全是在胡说 pour out your heart, and it's all bullshit.
不全是胡说 It's not all bullshit.
我不用非得清理那一团糟来吸取教训 I don't need to actually clean up the mess to learn the lesson.
我觉得这个故事一点都不感人 I don't even know why this shocks me anymore.
哥们 Oh, dude.
我马上回来 I'll be right back.
哦 哦 小心点 Whoa, whoa, whoa, careful.
小心脚下 Watch your step.
那是我表妹 That's my cousin.